Last Blog...Maybe

So we made it. Full term and we did not go bust.... well maybe a few times along the way. Lucas is great. Feeding A LOT and we are slowly getting used to the sleepless nights (well not really, but what can you do).

I feel like myself again which is nice. I can now see how much anxiety there was floating around when I was pregnant. Man it really was tough. And you cannot think clearly. Those pregnancy hormones really are a kicker.

The birth was really cool. I am pleased that I did it drug free. Transition was a horrible thing but then I think that it is for everyone. I feel like the birth of Lucas has rounded out the birth of Molly. They were each different and special as we got the kids from them. Having a normal pregnancy and birth it made John and I really realize how hard Molly's start was. She is a trooper but man she really had it tough!!!!

Anyway just a short note as I have to try and get Lucas to sleep. And then me whilst Molly is at her friends.

xxxxx

Family

WOW 38.2 weeks. I am not sure how we managed to get here. A lot of stress and anxiety it seems but we are hear and I have to say....

I AM OVER IT.

I NEVER thought that I would ever say that I am sick of being pregnant as I wanted to be pregnant again SO much after Molly was born. I told myself off for not being thankful for every day that I was pregnant with her. With this pregnancy I have tried to be in to it but it has been really hard. Not to worry at the slightest thing that I might be feeling. Not to get worried every time that I went for a check up. Not looking at every pregnant woman that was not high risk and wishing that was me. Not looking at women that got to term and wondering if that would be me.... and look I have made it.
And now I want it to be over. I am sick of the worry about what may happen next and I want to meet them.... pink or blue. John reckons pink, I reckon blue.

But then it is not up to me. They will come when they come and when they are here I will be wishing for the calm before the storm again. I imagine that it is going to be quite an adjustment with 2 kids. Man I can hardly manage with 1!!

But as it gets closer to having the baby I suppose I have been thinking about our family and the changes that are about to be made. Even though Molly is 2.5 I wonder what kind of parent do I want to be and how is this going to change as she gets older.

I have been thinking a lot about my family. What they mean to me and how I sit in the family dynamic.  I love my family but forever I think that I have always seen them through the "youngest of the family" eyes.  They could do no wrong which is not fair to them or to me. I am not sure that this makes sense. I have ALWAYS looked up to my siblings and I suppose now I am just getting it that we are just equal. That they have their opinions just as I have mine and that does not make either right or wrong. Older siblings are pretty good at giving advice (even when it is not needed or warranted) and I suppose I have always wanted to get that from them.  I suppose that parenthood really makes you realize that you can step away from this and that as a consequence this changes family relationships. I totally love my family, I suppose there is some adjustment going on in my head as I prepare to firmly establish my new family.

I am not sure what kind of parent I will be to Molly and the new one. Only time will tell. I hope that I will show them enough love and support that they feel that the world is a safe place. And I hope that I grow with them as a parent as there is nothing worse than a parent that is trying to parent an adult that does not need to be parented in that way. Helicopter parents as my friend would say. I am trying to let Molly discover the world for herself in a safe way at the moment.

Anyway I hope that next time I get on this thing there is a baby in my arms but I am not sure. Maybe it is a girl as they are making me wait.... I am so not good at patience!!!!
Went and saw Lauren this morning. BP a bit high but ok. Pee fine and baby's head engaged. YIPEE.
Thoughts of Cate and high risk women.

Gastro

So for the last 48 hours I have been pretty under the weather with gastro. God I hate gastro. I think that I would rather have teeth pulled without anesthetic than get gastro. There were times that I was wishing for death!!!
Molly had it on Saturday which was great as John was away. I think that John would have made a better nurse than I as he is very patient when it comes to vomit. I just want to vomit when I am around people that are vomiting. God knows how I made it through 3 years of nurse training!!!
Anyway Molly's was pretty mild, just a night of vomiting and then she picked up after a couple of days. Mum and I thought that it we were going to get it then it would not be that bad.... oh how wrong we were... I felt fine and then wamo hit with the gastro stick. Mum got it but not as bad as me. After 12 hours of not keeping anything down I went to the ed and got a couple of bags of fluids which I think was a really good idea. Then I went and saw Lauren and I think she was pretty sure that I was at the very beginnings of labour. She put me on the monitor which I was happy to do as I wanted to make sure that the baby was ok and she said that there was contractions in my uterus that were VERY similar to birthing contractions. I said that I had some back ache which made her hurried as she said that labour can some times start in the back!!!
LUCKILY it stopped. I could not imagine having gastro and having a baby but it can happen. I think the body gets the baby out if it thinks that the body is more hostile. The receptionist at the maternity unit had a baby at 28 weeks as she had gastro. Scary. At least we are at 37 weeks. So good to go.
Lauren did a ve to see what my cervix was doing and it seems that it is dilated 1cm and softening which I am taking to mean that it is good and at the time not in labour. She was pretty happy with that. The baby's head is not fully engaged so in all I am not sure what this means. Hopefully that we do not have to wait that much longer to meet the wee blighter!!!
Anyway mum spent all day in bed yesterday and I have spent most of the day resting today. Have been trying to push the fluids which is hard when I am also trying to sleep as much as can. Feel a bit wired as want to go and do things but cannot!!!! Oh well the washing and the cleaning will just have to wait.
My bp was a bit over the show yesterday at the hospital. Diastolic was as low as 60 and as high as 93. My urinalyses was all over the shop as well with a stack of ketones and protein at +1, but I am not placing much weight on them as I was crook.
So here is hoping for a non dramatic birth. It really would be nice after Molly. If I could put in my wish list it would be fast, but not too fast, natural with no complications and with no gastro. Not too much to ask for I think.
Looks like we will be moving soon. Not sure when and it seems it will be longer than what we had originally thought but we will be out of the hill soon. YAY. Well done John.
Anyway thinking of you Cate and high risk women.
xx

TIme is ticking on.

I have been a bit slack and have not been on here for a bit. I am quite good and not looking at things when I am a bit overwhelmed.
The good news is that we are 37 weeks on Monday. WOWOWOWOWOW. I really never thought that we would get to this stage and it seems to have been a cruise.
There were people that have said that " I am sure that this one will go fine" "it will be different this time" and unfortunately for me, this is the worst thing that people can say to a woman having a high risk pregnancy. I understand that people want to comfort and are not sure what to say and feel that they have to say something but I don't know and neither do they that it will be different. What if it isn't. There is so much rumination and anxiety with high risk pregnancies that you do not dream even for a second that it could be ok as what if it is not. Protective measures really.
My Cate said to be once that this is not a high risk pregnancy as if you look at my symptoms they are all pointing to everything going well. At the time I did not believe her but I do now. My high risk pregnancy was Molly.
Now I just have the normal worries like what is the baby going to be like (please sleep more than Molly) and what is the birth going to be like. I really want to have a natural birth but I have to be careful not to set myself up for disappointment like with Molly. I have to have some level of control what ever happens which is the main thing that I felt I had none of when Molly was born.
My thinking has been pretty bad this week.  I am wanting to get things sorted and it is hard when there are things that cannot be put in little boxes.... namely why is it that Cate died. Her twins were 1 on Thursday so that was a hard day. It is all so senseless.
Plus we are a little unsettled as John is looking for new jobs. He is away this weekend at an interview. Fingers crossed as it seems like a pretty good area. Trust us to do things pretty full on. The baby will be born and we will be moving if he gets it. AAAAHHH. Oh well. I think that there is a part of me that likes the chaos.
Anyway was feeling pretty crappy at the beginning of the week so went and saw Lauren. The stats were AMAZING. Bp 90/50. At first I though that she said 190/150 until it sunk in. It is flipping around as the previous week it was 138/90. Oh well.
This time next week we may have a baby. Yikes that is scary. Better get a car seat and get the clothes out. To this point I have been too scared to.
Thinking of you Cate. xx

Cate

It has been awhile since I have written a blog and that is because my best friend Cate died suddenly in her sleep. She was 35 and her twin boys are about to turn 1 in 2 weeks. It has not sunken in that she has actually died. It does not seem right that a 35 year old woman can go to bed and not wake up. But then this is what happened.
Cate was one of those people that were the light of the world. She was my best friend but I am sure that there are a number of people that could say the same thing about her. She was caring, compassionate, loyal, fun and so many things that I could not name them all. You knew where you stood with her and she had been such a big support for this pregnancy and for all things that I am not sure how I will survive without her.
I thought that being here and her being in Melbourne there would be a bit of distance for the denial to stay, but there are so many things that remind me of her. There are so many wee presents that she sent and associations with her. Last time I talked to her we were talking about how domestic our lives had got and she said that she wanted to get a vacuum cleaner from her partner for christmas. So now when I am doing the vacuum I am reminded of Cate. Cate was such a large part of our lives.
It was amazing to look back at the time that I had known her and how much she had changed. Who she was as a person was the same but she kind of came into herself if that makes sense. The last year in which she was a mother she was a joy to behold and an inspiration. The love that she has for those boys and her partner was beautiful. She had her ups and downs as we all do but she was able to ante up and get going with life and make everyday full of love. I cannot believe that she has gone.
I look around and see so many people that don't make the most of their lives and wonder why the hell could it not be them that did not wake up!! People that hide behind stuff or just shy away from life or that are just plan horrible. There seems no justice in life and I cannot make any sense of her death at all. It is not like she was sick like my brother and when he died there was a sense of relief. There was no "well she has had a long life" as she hadn't. 35 is far to young.
Her partner did her proud with the funeral that he organized. The people that spoke including himself captured her really well and I felt like she was just there. John had to spend the time outside with Molly as she was not that keen to stay put and they went around picking flowers and putting them in puddles for Cate. I think that she would have liked this.
Anyway it changed my focus for the pregnancy which at the moment seems to be ticking along pretty well. 35 weeks this week. bp good. Went and had it taken today and it was 138/90 which came down to something over 84. All good. I was seeing the dr this time which always makes my bp go higher.
Anyway my thoughts go out to Cate and her family. Always. It seems that there is not a time that I am not thinking about them. They are always just there at the back of my thoughts.

Made it

So we are at 32.1 weeks. Thought that there was be a fanfare that would go off, but there was not. The days have passed the same as they have for the rest of this pregnancy.
BUT we are in unchartered territory now. I don't want to moan about anything as every day that this baby is inside is a blessing!!!
Went and saw Lauren this evening. Stats are bp was 118/84 which was a little high but diastolic came down to 76 later. A trace of protein in my pee which can be normal (trying not to panic as there really is nothing to panic about) and Lauren said that if it is the same next week then will send to the lab. Usually don't do until there is a +1 but she said if there is 2 weeks in a row then they will check further. Had a weight in. Have gained 9 kg. By this point with Molly had gained 17kg. Slight difference, although I think that the first day after she was born I lost about 5 kg through pee!!!
All looking pretty good. Would love just to cruise to 37 weeks. My mum is going to stay until the baby is born. YAY. Pressure is off. Then she is going to go and help my sister.

xxxx

Here's looking at you kid

So we had a scan to see what the placenta was doing and we got to see the baby- hard not to. Amazing to see their wee face. They had the hands all clenched ready for the hitting of my kidneys which is what they are doing every night!!!! Fun. But it is great that they are doing such a lot. I think that is their hands at the front of the photo but I am not really sure. They were a bit squished to see whether they are a boy or a girl but I have a feeling that it is a boy. Mothers intuition and all. I am sitting on 100% as I was sure that Molly was a girl!!!

My counsellor has returned to work. I am not sure how she is managing as her baby is only 3 months old, but it is good news for me. This week has been pretty hard. I am 31 weeks so it was hard not to relive what happened at this point with Molly. Got married this day, had a bbq this day and tomorrow she would have been born. I think that it is timely that my counsellor returned as my head was/is really in a pretty bad spot. I had not seen her for just over 3 months and it is amazing how quickly I had reverted back to negative and really highly strung thinking. 35 years of conditioning is pretty hard to break it would seem. The scary thing was that I did not even notice.

She said that I have a choice to stay with my thinking really elevated or to try and bring it down. SO much easier said than done. So I am going to take the hard road and try and get it sorted. The main reason I want to do this as I really don't want Molly to learn my bad habits. I would hate for her conditioning to be that there is nothing to trust in the world and that you are really just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

 I remember being really worried about passing on anxiety when I was pregnant. Molly has a pretty big genetic loading for anxiety from both sides of her family and I really wanted to make sure that her nurture compensated for that. I also really did not want to put my shit on her. But slowly it is creeping in. This is just life and I have to give myself a break that I am not a failure as a mother but I do need to step it up when it comes to seeing what effect my dealing or not dealing with stuff has on her.  And how she effects me, as I really do not what to be the person that I was before she was born.... Highly strung going round in circles.

I am on weekly monitoring for bp and pee now which is good. The baby will be fine now that we have reached 32 weeks. Every day is a bonus and it will be weird to be in new territory. I am thinking that there was a lot of this pregnancy that I have looked back and thought what happened with Molly. As of Tuesday I will not be able to do.... Exciting.

Anyway John and I are off for coffee. Making the most of Grandma whilst she is here as it looks like she will be off in about 3 weeks. Yikes.

Thinking of all the high risk pregnant woman and the neonatal people!!!!