It has been awhile since I have written a blog and that is because my best friend Cate died suddenly in her sleep. She was 35 and her twin boys are about to turn 1 in 2 weeks. It has not sunken in that she has actually died. It does not seem right that a 35 year old woman can go to bed and not wake up. But then this is what happened.
Cate was one of those people that were the light of the world. She was my best friend but I am sure that there are a number of people that could say the same thing about her. She was caring, compassionate, loyal, fun and so many things that I could not name them all. You knew where you stood with her and she had been such a big support for this pregnancy and for all things that I am not sure how I will survive without her.
I thought that being here and her being in Melbourne there would be a bit of distance for the denial to stay, but there are so many things that remind me of her. There are so many wee presents that she sent and associations with her. Last time I talked to her we were talking about how domestic our lives had got and she said that she wanted to get a vacuum cleaner from her partner for christmas. So now when I am doing the vacuum I am reminded of Cate. Cate was such a large part of our lives.
It was amazing to look back at the time that I had known her and how much she had changed. Who she was as a person was the same but she kind of came into herself if that makes sense. The last year in which she was a mother she was a joy to behold and an inspiration. The love that she has for those boys and her partner was beautiful. She had her ups and downs as we all do but she was able to ante up and get going with life and make everyday full of love. I cannot believe that she has gone.
I look around and see so many people that don't make the most of their lives and wonder why the hell could it not be them that did not wake up!! People that hide behind stuff or just shy away from life or that are just plan horrible. There seems no justice in life and I cannot make any sense of her death at all. It is not like she was sick like my brother and when he died there was a sense of relief. There was no "well she has had a long life" as she hadn't. 35 is far to young.
Her partner did her proud with the funeral that he organized. The people that spoke including himself captured her really well and I felt like she was just there. John had to spend the time outside with Molly as she was not that keen to stay put and they went around picking flowers and putting them in puddles for Cate. I think that she would have liked this.
Anyway it changed my focus for the pregnancy which at the moment seems to be ticking along pretty well. 35 weeks this week. bp good. Went and had it taken today and it was 138/90 which came down to something over 84. All good. I was seeing the dr this time which always makes my bp go higher.
Anyway my thoughts go out to Cate and her family. Always. It seems that there is not a time that I am not thinking about them. They are always just there at the back of my thoughts.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Made it
So we are at 32.1 weeks. Thought that there was be a fanfare that would go off, but there was not. The days have passed the same as they have for the rest of this pregnancy.
BUT we are in unchartered territory now. I don't want to moan about anything as every day that this baby is inside is a blessing!!!
Went and saw Lauren this evening. Stats are bp was 118/84 which was a little high but diastolic came down to 76 later. A trace of protein in my pee which can be normal (trying not to panic as there really is nothing to panic about) and Lauren said that if it is the same next week then will send to the lab. Usually don't do until there is a +1 but she said if there is 2 weeks in a row then they will check further. Had a weight in. Have gained 9 kg. By this point with Molly had gained 17kg. Slight difference, although I think that the first day after she was born I lost about 5 kg through pee!!!
All looking pretty good. Would love just to cruise to 37 weeks. My mum is going to stay until the baby is born. YAY. Pressure is off. Then she is going to go and help my sister.
xxxx
BUT we are in unchartered territory now. I don't want to moan about anything as every day that this baby is inside is a blessing!!!
Went and saw Lauren this evening. Stats are bp was 118/84 which was a little high but diastolic came down to 76 later. A trace of protein in my pee which can be normal (trying not to panic as there really is nothing to panic about) and Lauren said that if it is the same next week then will send to the lab. Usually don't do until there is a +1 but she said if there is 2 weeks in a row then they will check further. Had a weight in. Have gained 9 kg. By this point with Molly had gained 17kg. Slight difference, although I think that the first day after she was born I lost about 5 kg through pee!!!
All looking pretty good. Would love just to cruise to 37 weeks. My mum is going to stay until the baby is born. YAY. Pressure is off. Then she is going to go and help my sister.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Here's looking at you kid
So we had a scan to see what the placenta was doing and we got to see the baby- hard not to. Amazing to see their wee face. They had the hands all clenched ready for the hitting of my kidneys which is what they are doing every night!!!! Fun. But it is great that they are doing such a lot. I think that is their hands at the front of the photo but I am not really sure. They were a bit squished to see whether they are a boy or a girl but I have a feeling that it is a boy. Mothers intuition and all. I am sitting on 100% as I was sure that Molly was a girl!!!
My counsellor has returned to work. I am not sure how she is managing as her baby is only 3 months old, but it is good news for me. This week has been pretty hard. I am 31 weeks so it was hard not to relive what happened at this point with Molly. Got married this day, had a bbq this day and tomorrow she would have been born. I think that it is timely that my counsellor returned as my head was/is really in a pretty bad spot. I had not seen her for just over 3 months and it is amazing how quickly I had reverted back to negative and really highly strung thinking. 35 years of conditioning is pretty hard to break it would seem. The scary thing was that I did not even notice.
She said that I have a choice to stay with my thinking really elevated or to try and bring it down. SO much easier said than done. So I am going to take the hard road and try and get it sorted. The main reason I want to do this as I really don't want Molly to learn my bad habits. I would hate for her conditioning to be that there is nothing to trust in the world and that you are really just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I remember being really worried about passing on anxiety when I was pregnant. Molly has a pretty big genetic loading for anxiety from both sides of her family and I really wanted to make sure that her nurture compensated for that. I also really did not want to put my shit on her. But slowly it is creeping in. This is just life and I have to give myself a break that I am not a failure as a mother but I do need to step it up when it comes to seeing what effect my dealing or not dealing with stuff has on her. And how she effects me, as I really do not what to be the person that I was before she was born.... Highly strung going round in circles.
I am on weekly monitoring for bp and pee now which is good. The baby will be fine now that we have reached 32 weeks. Every day is a bonus and it will be weird to be in new territory. I am thinking that there was a lot of this pregnancy that I have looked back and thought what happened with Molly. As of Tuesday I will not be able to do.... Exciting.
Anyway John and I are off for coffee. Making the most of Grandma whilst she is here as it looks like she will be off in about 3 weeks. Yikes.
Thinking of all the high risk pregnant woman and the neonatal people!!!!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
So I am on a bit of a high. A bp reading at 31 weeks of 110/70. This is close to what I get when I am not pregnant. I never thought that this would happen. I am not sure what has happened to my head but it seems pretty clear. The chances of having this baby in a week are small if that. Then we are in unchartered territory. What will it feel like to be 35 weeks pregnant? I have no idea!!!!! Good I suspect.
I suppose that I have just let go a few things as well. I have no control over what is going to happen. If the baby comes early then there is nothing that I can do to stop that BUT I can have control over how it effects me... in a way. This comes back to old stuff having an effect on what is happening now but I feel that we are heading to very familiar territory once we hit 32 weeks. It cannot be a shock as it was with Molly. I am more prepared and I think that the baby is stronger so that if it does come early then the chances of complications are less. It is not like at 23 weeks. Touch and go. And not to say that there won't be a curve ball but the chances are lower and I am liking the good odds. And curve balls are just life I suppose.
I am not sure how I got my head in a better space. Went and had a massage and came out feeling like a different woman. Had gone in feeling like the world was about to end and my thoughts were in a real tumble but now seems ok. At the moment I am only speaking for today. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. And I have to expect that there are good and bad days. That is normal.
The one thing that is making me slightly sad as I head to 32 weeks is that I could not give Molly longer in utero. She had such a hard start and I know that this is her journey but it does make me feel sad. All the things that she had to go through.... man she has shown me strength!!!!!
Anyway thoughts to neonatal and high risk pregnancy peoples.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
dust is settling
Last week we went to Adelaide. 1- to get Molly's belly button hernia repaired and 2 to see an ob to get a second opinion about if we should be doing anything differently in this pregnancy.
The repair of Molly's hernia was pretty horrible. She is such a trooper and takes things on the chin (she has had such a lot of things to take on the chin) but it was really hard to watch her go through yet another thing. She had a wee pre-med before the surgery and it was kind of funny as she looked drunk. She was in fits of laugher in the pre op as a helium balloon was touching the ceiling. It was a bit of a different story afterwards. I was lying on her bed and I said to John " I think that it is her coming" as you could hear her crying as she was brought down the corridor ( from quite a way away). It was horrible for her.
She just could not settle and was kicking and crying and we all felt so helpless. Finally we were able to get her to sleep and when she woke up a while later she was back to herself but in a bit of pain. This time was a bit different for me as I had John and Mum there. Usually it is just me there which is ok, you just get down to business but with 3 and her being so distressed I think that we all felt surplus. I have my fingers and toes crossed that we do not have to go through anything again for a very long time. For Molly. I really do think that she has been through enough!!!
For the second reason we saw the Dr and he was a bit condescending to start off with. Starting going on that we should think of the glass as half full not half empty and that nothing might happen this pregnancy. He totally did not get it. So we stuck at it and finally he gave us some figures that we need to keep in mind. Said that if my Bp goes up by 15 points systolically or diastolically then it is to get re-checked again that day and if it is still up then again the next day. He talked us through protein in the pee and what that would mean at each stage and what it would mean if there was no protein in the pee but an elevated bp. Said that we would not be getting any different service in a metro area and both John and I came away thinking that we were actually getting better service where we are. Our midwife is great and is very respectful to what we are going through and the choices that we make. This guy was almost at bullying stage at the end of the consult for me to go and get a gestational diabetes test done. John and I were like... our daughter is about to have surgery.... give us a freaking break.
Anyway my head is a lot calmer this week. I never thought that I would say (and I am slightly nervous to say) but I am kind of over it. I just want to lie on my stomach at night, and not to worry about things however slightly or consumingly and to meet the wee fella. I really hope that we make it to 37 weeks and I hope that the next weeks go really fast. I am ready for the next stage (which I am sure will be less sleep or no sleep and chaos!!!)
Thoughts going out to neonate and high risk pregnancy women.
The repair of Molly's hernia was pretty horrible. She is such a trooper and takes things on the chin (she has had such a lot of things to take on the chin) but it was really hard to watch her go through yet another thing. She had a wee pre-med before the surgery and it was kind of funny as she looked drunk. She was in fits of laugher in the pre op as a helium balloon was touching the ceiling. It was a bit of a different story afterwards. I was lying on her bed and I said to John " I think that it is her coming" as you could hear her crying as she was brought down the corridor ( from quite a way away). It was horrible for her.
She just could not settle and was kicking and crying and we all felt so helpless. Finally we were able to get her to sleep and when she woke up a while later she was back to herself but in a bit of pain. This time was a bit different for me as I had John and Mum there. Usually it is just me there which is ok, you just get down to business but with 3 and her being so distressed I think that we all felt surplus. I have my fingers and toes crossed that we do not have to go through anything again for a very long time. For Molly. I really do think that she has been through enough!!!
For the second reason we saw the Dr and he was a bit condescending to start off with. Starting going on that we should think of the glass as half full not half empty and that nothing might happen this pregnancy. He totally did not get it. So we stuck at it and finally he gave us some figures that we need to keep in mind. Said that if my Bp goes up by 15 points systolically or diastolically then it is to get re-checked again that day and if it is still up then again the next day. He talked us through protein in the pee and what that would mean at each stage and what it would mean if there was no protein in the pee but an elevated bp. Said that we would not be getting any different service in a metro area and both John and I came away thinking that we were actually getting better service where we are. Our midwife is great and is very respectful to what we are going through and the choices that we make. This guy was almost at bullying stage at the end of the consult for me to go and get a gestational diabetes test done. John and I were like... our daughter is about to have surgery.... give us a freaking break.
Anyway my head is a lot calmer this week. I never thought that I would say (and I am slightly nervous to say) but I am kind of over it. I just want to lie on my stomach at night, and not to worry about things however slightly or consumingly and to meet the wee fella. I really hope that we make it to 37 weeks and I hope that the next weeks go really fast. I am ready for the next stage (which I am sure will be less sleep or no sleep and chaos!!!)
Thoughts going out to neonate and high risk pregnancy women.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dummy Run
Last week was quite full on.
I had some pain which to me was the same that I had when Molly was born. So I did the appropriate thing and did nothing for a couple of days, then it got to much and I rang the unit. They said that it needed to be checked out so I got a friend to mind Molly and went to the unit (I find that having Molly at the appointments makes it SO stressful). They basically gave me the run around. Said that my obs were good and as the pain was on the left side then I should go and see my G.P. It was really annoying that my midwife was not there and it seems that if she is not there then the care is going to be dodgy!!!!
I had told them that when I had hellp that the pain was on the left side... Who knows why, pressure from my liver on other organs is the only thing that I can think of.
So that got us worried. Are we doing the right thing by being here? There was such a discussion when we were thinking of getting pregnant. Do we stay here? Do we wait longer? Do we do this at all?? We are SO happy with our midwife. She is great but am are worried as she cannot be there 24/7 for us just incase something happens. hhhhmmmm
I went and saw her last night and she had obviously had some mention of what had happened as the first thing that she said was "what is your version of event?". The thing I stressed and that she got was that I do not seek out help easily. I went to work the day that Molly was born thinking that everything was ok....
Anyway I did end up going to see the G.P. I was not going to but the anxiety got the better of me and it was just intercostal pain. I think that we have a bit of a big baby getting grown!!!
I think that our plan will be that if my midwife is not available then we will head to the G.P. They are lovely. I am not going to go to a place that does not take my concerns seriously.
So the figures from last night are ok but not that great. BP had to be done twice. First read 128/90 then 10 minutes later it was 137/84. At least the diastolic came down. These are pretty high numbers for me. I usually sit around 110/60 so am trying really hard not to get too anxious about it. I am glad that I do not have a bp cuff here as I would be checking it every 5 minutes which I think would be worse. I am hoping that this stays stable. My midwife thinks that it is ok as I had these figures at the beginning. Might just be my pregnant bp. It is funny with anxiety. I have been checking out the pre-eclampsia website heaps which is really cool. Nice to find people that have been through the same thing. You can see the anxiety jumping off the page with some women's blogs and it is funny because I will think "man you just need to do this, and RELAX" and then I think hang on that was me a day ago. It is SO hard to divorce yourself from the anxiety when you get triggered. Maybe this is my lesson from this pregnancy. To be honest, I don't care at the moment. I just want to make it to 32 weeks and then 35. PLEASE!!!! But I keep telling myself that I have no control over this and what happens will happen. Sometimes easier said than done!!!!!
My mum is coming tomorrow and I am really excited about it. I think that this may have a dramatic effect on the outcome of my pregnancy. I can rest as much as I can. YAY.
Anyway take care. Better go and get Molly.
Thinking of all the neonates and hoping that we are not going to join them soon.
I had some pain which to me was the same that I had when Molly was born. So I did the appropriate thing and did nothing for a couple of days, then it got to much and I rang the unit. They said that it needed to be checked out so I got a friend to mind Molly and went to the unit (I find that having Molly at the appointments makes it SO stressful). They basically gave me the run around. Said that my obs were good and as the pain was on the left side then I should go and see my G.P. It was really annoying that my midwife was not there and it seems that if she is not there then the care is going to be dodgy!!!!
I had told them that when I had hellp that the pain was on the left side... Who knows why, pressure from my liver on other organs is the only thing that I can think of.
So that got us worried. Are we doing the right thing by being here? There was such a discussion when we were thinking of getting pregnant. Do we stay here? Do we wait longer? Do we do this at all?? We are SO happy with our midwife. She is great but am are worried as she cannot be there 24/7 for us just incase something happens. hhhhmmmm
I went and saw her last night and she had obviously had some mention of what had happened as the first thing that she said was "what is your version of event?". The thing I stressed and that she got was that I do not seek out help easily. I went to work the day that Molly was born thinking that everything was ok....
Anyway I did end up going to see the G.P. I was not going to but the anxiety got the better of me and it was just intercostal pain. I think that we have a bit of a big baby getting grown!!!
I think that our plan will be that if my midwife is not available then we will head to the G.P. They are lovely. I am not going to go to a place that does not take my concerns seriously.
So the figures from last night are ok but not that great. BP had to be done twice. First read 128/90 then 10 minutes later it was 137/84. At least the diastolic came down. These are pretty high numbers for me. I usually sit around 110/60 so am trying really hard not to get too anxious about it. I am glad that I do not have a bp cuff here as I would be checking it every 5 minutes which I think would be worse. I am hoping that this stays stable. My midwife thinks that it is ok as I had these figures at the beginning. Might just be my pregnant bp. It is funny with anxiety. I have been checking out the pre-eclampsia website heaps which is really cool. Nice to find people that have been through the same thing. You can see the anxiety jumping off the page with some women's blogs and it is funny because I will think "man you just need to do this, and RELAX" and then I think hang on that was me a day ago. It is SO hard to divorce yourself from the anxiety when you get triggered. Maybe this is my lesson from this pregnancy. To be honest, I don't care at the moment. I just want to make it to 32 weeks and then 35. PLEASE!!!! But I keep telling myself that I have no control over this and what happens will happen. Sometimes easier said than done!!!!!
My mum is coming tomorrow and I am really excited about it. I think that this may have a dramatic effect on the outcome of my pregnancy. I can rest as much as I can. YAY.
Anyway take care. Better go and get Molly.
Thinking of all the neonates and hoping that we are not going to join them soon.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Did lose it slightly
So after writing that I was all zen and that I was not going to worry about what was going to happen with this pregnancy, I promptly went off and started to worry. In fact I got myself all worked up. It was one of those occasions when it just seemed to get out of my grasp.
I went and borrowed a bp cuff from my friend and was measuring my bp constantly for a bit and then worrying when the numbers came back the same. I got really fixated on the numbers....
I am sure that if this was happening to a friend of mine when I would be saying whoa back girl. It is all looking pretty good. But I could not step back from myself and do this.
The negative and the positive parts of my brain were really going for it. I would try and think positively and then whammo there would be a negative thought come in and I would be off again. I don't think that there seemed to be a point to the worry and so I asked myself many times.... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??
And then I started to try and look at things that were good in my life so that every time I thought of something negative, I would think of something good. It might be that the trees look pretty, that Molly is totally cool, that I have the perfect husband and slowly the positive took over.
I also thought that there are aspects that I need to get control over so that if I am in a situation where I feel that I have no control then I have control over the bits that I can. I cannot control if I have a prem but I can be more involved and have control over other aspects of my care than I was with Molly. Namely the first 24 hours post birth. So I have written a plan that I will print out and keep in my wallet so that if the worst should occur then I know I have thought about the stuff that I want to happen and can just give the paper to the carers. Then I feel like I have got some control in a situation that I have no control over.
Sorted.
I have been following a woman's blog that had hellp at 28 weeks with her first child and she is about to have her second child. I am SO excited for her. I do not even know her and will probably never meet her but it is SO amazing to see someone go on and have a term baby, especially when she had hellp worse than me. YEAH!!!! I felt like jumping up and down and the thought that she had made it. Hopefully it will be us next!!!!
Take care
xx
I went and borrowed a bp cuff from my friend and was measuring my bp constantly for a bit and then worrying when the numbers came back the same. I got really fixated on the numbers....
I am sure that if this was happening to a friend of mine when I would be saying whoa back girl. It is all looking pretty good. But I could not step back from myself and do this.
The negative and the positive parts of my brain were really going for it. I would try and think positively and then whammo there would be a negative thought come in and I would be off again. I don't think that there seemed to be a point to the worry and so I asked myself many times.... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??
And then I started to try and look at things that were good in my life so that every time I thought of something negative, I would think of something good. It might be that the trees look pretty, that Molly is totally cool, that I have the perfect husband and slowly the positive took over.
I also thought that there are aspects that I need to get control over so that if I am in a situation where I feel that I have no control then I have control over the bits that I can. I cannot control if I have a prem but I can be more involved and have control over other aspects of my care than I was with Molly. Namely the first 24 hours post birth. So I have written a plan that I will print out and keep in my wallet so that if the worst should occur then I know I have thought about the stuff that I want to happen and can just give the paper to the carers. Then I feel like I have got some control in a situation that I have no control over.
Sorted.
I have been following a woman's blog that had hellp at 28 weeks with her first child and she is about to have her second child. I am SO excited for her. I do not even know her and will probably never meet her but it is SO amazing to see someone go on and have a term baby, especially when she had hellp worse than me. YEAH!!!! I felt like jumping up and down and the thought that she had made it. Hopefully it will be us next!!!!
Take care
xx
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