Trauma

So I had my last counseling session the other day and it has been fine. There was a part of me that thought this is cool. It kind of puts the past in its place and I can move on from there. Although at the time I was pretty keen not to let it go, now I am kind of pleased. I am sure that there will be times that are tough but that is just life really. Some times are crap and some times are good. It was funny that at the end of the session I kind of thought that there might be good will hunting moments in that we hug and stay in touch. But that did not happen and that is cool.

But I did get to thinking about the trauma of having a preterm. We were totally traumatized by what happened. Emotionally and physically we felt like we had been through the wringer and it has only really been in the last couple of months that we have felt that we have come up for air.... probably only to go under again when the next child is born. But at least we now know what to  expect the second time around.

But I wondered why is it that people who have preterm children are usually initially traumatized by this? There were some women that were having their 3rd baby in the unit when we were there and all of them had been preterm.  I am sure that they, as will we if this baby comes early, were not traumatized as much by the second child as you know what to expect and I wonder if this is where the answer lies. If you expect it then it probably cushions the blow somewhat. I have a friend that had twins at 32 weeks and she does not seem overly traumatized by the event. But then if you are having twins there maybe there is an expectation that this can occur.

And that leads to expectations which I think can get everyone into trouble. I expected that I was going to have a lovely home water birth which was going to be a defining moment of my life. Instead I got my life defining moment but it was so far from what I expected that I did not know where I was.

I have been trying to contain my expectations for this baby. I have 3 possible outcomes in my head that may happen.
1- being that we get hellp again and the baby comes early.
2- we go term and have a natural birth
3 -we go term and have a csection.
The third one is the one that I really don't want to happen as I want to have a natural birth which I fear is quite hard in a very interventionist maternity service where there are no independent midwives or doulas to protect the rights of the women in the area that we live. But that is another very long story which I am not going to go into in this blog ( I am sure that it will come in as/ if we get closer to term)

Anyway coming back to trauma. The unit  where Molly was was great for physical care. They looked after Molly and followed the guidelines that were in place in the unit but they forgot one big important part. Molly was more than just a baby in an incubator and I was more that just a first time mother. We needed to bond and we needed time to hang out and that both John and I were so important to Molly that it was equal with the medicine that they gave. But they did not address that. I am not sure whether other units are different. But this one did not nurture the family as a unit at all. And this is something that we will definitely do differently next time. Whether invited to by the unit or not.

If I had one piece of advice for parents who had just had a neonate baby I would say: This is your baby. You need to bond and you need to connect. Hold your baby and make the hospital staff aware that you know that you are as important to the baby as the interventions that they are giving. For you it does not stop when you get out of hospital. It goes on and what happens in the unit does matter.

Fingers crossed that we do not have to go through it again. But I think that it is best to be prepared. To cushion the blow if it comes.

Having written this, it is hard to think about the trauma that we went through when for so long it was so real that we tasted it with every meal. It was like a cloud that would not go away. Now it seems like  space that I cannot even out myself in to reflect. Man that is cool. A lot of hard work but totally cool. I suppose that is the thing about trauma. It is totally horrific when you are going through it but when you get out the other side, it is pretty cool looking back at what you survived. I have changed so much from what happened and I would not go back to who I was and it took a bloody big event for me to do that.

I kind of see it as becoming Sarah Davies. When we got married it felt very weird calling myself that. If my last name had been anything decent then I would not have changed it but after 2 years I finally feel ok about calling myself Sarah Davies. Maybe this is an indicator of the changes that I have gone though.

Anyway Molly is waking.

Thoughts to all the neonatal parents.

Saying goodbye to my counsellor

As the title says I am about to say goodbye to my counsellor and I am a bit worried about it.

I have been seeing her for about 9 months now and she has been a lifeline. She is about to have a baby ( I think that she is about 36 weeks now so how on earth she is still at work is beyond me) and she thinks that I will be ok to fly solo and has not referred me to see anyone else- she has given me names just incase but thinks that I will be ok.

I am not so sure.

We have done quite a lot of work about trusting that things will be ok.... and I get that it will be but it is the lead up that I am worried about. When you are in the midst of crisis then you cannot think sideways as you just have to be there at that time. You have no choice. It is anticipating the crisis and the aftermath that can be the bit that does your head in. Well that was how it is for me.

I know that if we had another preterm baby that we would just get on and do it. My mother is going to come over and if the baby is early enough then there may need to be a relocation to Adelaide as it is the nearest hospital with a good neonatal unit. I think that I am worried about how I will go after things settle down or when we get home.

Molly was such a full on baby. Not that I think that they are ever easy but she screamed for 2 weeks as she had hernias, then would not sleep longer than 20 minutes during the day and 2 hours at night and then feed ALL the time. This is the bit that I worry about as with Molly this is the bit where I felt that I really fell apart. I know that every baby is different and that we might get a sleeper ( ALL fingers crossed) but I feel that we have to prepare that we may not....hold onto your horses and see what we get. It is always going to be different as we have Molly. It is hard imagining what it is going to be like when all I have as a term of reference is chaos and nightmares.

Anyway back to my counsellor. She is going and I am really sad about this. She was a really strong person in my life that helped me sort out stuff and I know that it is normal to be a bit nervous about this. I suppose that I was thinking before we got pregnant that I would use her as a major support and damn her she ruined my plans and went and got on with her life ( as she should). Whilst there will be a bit of adjustment I suppose that I have to trust that it will be ok. Bloody scary thing the old trust. Tis like leaping off a building!!!!

I was reading some preterm mothers blogs a while back when I was looking for research on aspirin and I thought that I was slightly more relaxed than some women were. I think that a lot of them were American based and so were used to seeing the dr and got slightly upset about not seeing the dr all the time. But I cannot blame them. It is the system that they know and I understand about the heightened anxiety that is around with a second pregnancy after a preterm. As a friend said, try not letting it consume you... and this is what I try and do every day.

Thoughts going out to all parents on the preterm road.

Support

We went down to stay with my sister over the easter weekend and man it was good. It was amazing to be with people that are familiar and who you can just be yourself.... not that you cannot with new friend but it is different.

Molly had a cold so that meant less sleep and more stress. Always fun when you are sleeping on the floor in the lounge but that is ok. It was totally worth it.

It made me think of support. We live in a small town where there we have a few mates that we hang out with, and most of them are in the same situation that we are in... namely a long way from home. I see my one mate that lives here that has her family and not that parenting is easier but that there is that "you can drop the kid round at a moments notice if you are going round the twist" or at least have a cup of tea with people that you feel totally at ease with which is something that I really miss and tried to soak up over the weekend.

Thinking back to when Molly was born we were at home and it seemed so much more logical to come to this environment that it was to stay in the one that we were in. John's job turned out to be a complete fizzer and the support that we thought that we were going to get did not end up coming. Maybe that was because we started in a town that was not close to my family. I think that my family are so used to crises that they just get down to business and do what needed to be done. For us at the time it was food, cleaning and walking the dog. John's family have not been through any major crises. They have had people die which is always sad but they have been at the end of their lives. I am not that sure that they knew what to do how to help and we did not know how to ask, so it turned into a situation that we felt supported from afar but not from close.

It is funny how family dynamics are different. In my family we just let rip with what we think needs to be said and I love this about my family. You know where you stand. In John's family they don't really talk about lots at all. Feelings don't come up that much and I think that people in John's family kind of don't really want to look at what we really went through.... not sure why but they seem not that keen to talk about it when it was probably the biggest event that has happened to both of us. For me I cannot imagine not supporting a family member that was going through such hardship. I think that John was pretty heart broken to not get that support from his family.

But that is in the past and we are here now. John and I are stronger for it and that is great. We have learnt that we can deal with so much and that when we can contain the anxiety leading up to the event then we will totally have it sorted. At the moment we are slightly worried about what may happen but today is all good... if that makes sense.

Went and saw my midwife today and it was totally ok. She is great and totally gets it. I am going to see her again in 2 weeks. She did not remember that the dr had ordered to see me the dr every month and I did not remind her, as the next appt should be with them. It is just nice to see someone familiar. We got back our results for downs and genetic disabilities and they are all low. Was not going to do anything about them even if it came back high.

So better head on. My family got me addicted to bejeweled blitz when away which I am going to try and have a few games whilst Molly is asleep.

Thoughts to neonate parents.