Good health professionals

So with people having a read of my blog I have been getting some wicked feedback. Thanks guys!!!!

One of the feedback was that there are good health professionals out there. This seems like an obvious statement but for me it was really hard to see until a friend pointed it out to me.

When we were going through all the stuff with Molly it was really hard to see the good. I looked to the bad and to the bad comments, like "change of plans, you have to have your baby now" "it is very dangerous to co sleep" " are you sure you are winding her properly?" and I think that it allowed me to validate how I felt about the situation. I have always thought of the good people that were in our corner but they have always been second to the comments to perpetuated how I felt about the whole situation.

But when my friend said that there are good people out there it made me think I have been seeing my experiences through the bad, not the good. Having Molly early was bad. It is not what I ever wanted and it had been so hard, but there is SO much good. Molly for a start it amazing. How she has handled all this is with strength and courage. John is amazing. The fact that we found the best midwife in town. That all the players played their parts when they needed to. I remember one of the nurses in the neonate unit who was so amazing. Nothing was a problem, and every was gorgeous.

I think about how I am getting myself geared to heading into this new adventure and think of how I am tightening my stomach as I head to the maternity unit thinking of deflecting the blows that are about to come my way. When in fact I am bracing myself to listen for the statements that validate how I feel about the situation... which is traumatized and scared.

Last week was pretty hard. I had to get it sorted and decide about the aspirin and be ok with that. Now that I am taking the aspirin I do not even really think about it. I can see the edge of falling back into chaos again. I suppose it will always be there whilst I am pregnant and I am sure that there will be times that I will fall back. I suppose this is why I am so lucky that life have given me people in my life that can help get me back.

So chur bro to all the good health professionals. You know who you are. And I will make a big effort to look for the good and not just dodge the blows.

Thinking of all the parents with neonate babies.

The word is out and aspirin is in.

John put the link to here on facebook last night and so there are a few more people who are aware of this now.... it can no longer be my dear diary on the public space that anyone can read..... might have to tone down the future blogs about the parents in law... just kidding.

Things were getting a bit out of control in my head over the last couple of weeks. It is amazing how you can think that you have it sorted until someone actually says " no you don't have it sorted, in fact you are quite screwed up" -in the nicest possible way.

Which is what my friends did today. And I needed it. I was getting myself so worked up about whether to take aspirin or not that I did not recognize that my emotions had totally got on top of me. I was going on about 17 %'s (potential benefit of taking aspirin when have history of hellp) and inter-cranial bleeding to anyone that would listen. I even said to John this morning that my thinking is circling and I cannot get off the merry go round. But instead of thinking " what does this mean" I kept on, till my mates said " sort it out lady" and thank goodness that they did.

I think that I came to terms with the fact that I will never have what I consider a perfect pregnancy... in fact I am sure that there is no such thing but that this myth is a societal myth circulated to keep women getting back in the ring. There will always be a medical component to my pregnancy and I have to let that happen, as if I had not done that last time then Molly and I would be dead. Simple.

This pregnancy cannot right what was so traumatic about Molly's birth and this is something that I really have to come to terms with.

Anyway I will leave it at that.

Thoughts are going out to parents in the neonate units.

Getting Excited

So it is has been a bit since I have been on. I think that I say that every time that I get on this thing, but life happens and before you know it 2 weeks has passed.

Things are starting to settle down in our world. I had a scan to see whether I should go on the aspirin as I had some bleeding and the obgyn thought that it might be a good idea to look and make sure that it was all good. The thing was that the sonographer totally threw me out. She said that there was nothing wrong but that it was not all together normal.... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I did what seemed right which was to get out of the scan and burst into tears!!! I went to the maternity unit and the dr went down to see what it was about, only to say that it was all ok.

It is amazing when you have had a traumatic event how quickly it can all hit you. You can try and tell yourself that it is in the past but at the same time it is hard not to get the emotions going when they say "it is not that normal". I feel like I am going into battle again and I feel kind of sad about this.. Most people get to enjoy and get excited about their pregnancies. To think of what the wee person is going to be like, are they going to be a boy or a girl, what will they look like. My worry is what the hell is going to happen? Will we make it to 40 weeks and not have a further batch of scars to show for it. I cannot imagine not getting some scars.

The hospital system and some of the people in there seem pretty happy at knocking you down. The gentle tell offs, the " this is the way that we do it" even the underlying you might not even be able to do it. I went and met with a midwife the other day and I said that I am going to have a vbac if we make it to full term. It was amazing that she said that I could talk to the dr IF I make it to 36 weeks. Not a drop of hope in there. She did not say "sure that is good to have a plan and idea of how you want to birth", instead it was just "if you make it". It is one thing for me to think it but it is another to have it reflected. She would not have even thought twice about this statement and yet I am left thinking man I don't even have the people that are supposed to be in my corner thinking that I can do it.

We got this consistently when Molly was born. Comments that the clinician did not even think twice about but as a consumer it can really cut to the core. This is one of the major reasons why I do not want to go back to nursing. I would hate to do this to anyone. You are in such a vulnerable situation when you are in the hospitals and this is especially so when you have had a past trauma. I think of all the people that I worked with on the wards in mental health and how we restrained them and shoved them fill of medicine. How much trauma was there??? And all in the aid of saying that it was for their safety. I saw so many nurses that were just itching to get a restraint on ( mainly in the last place that I worked in). So much for the safety of ongoing PTSD!! But that is another story.

But I am starting to get a bit excited. I have felt the baby move and that is really cool. It seems a bit more real when you feel the wee flutters. I just have to hold onto one day at a time and try and not project to far into the future. After all I have NO control over that how this will end.

Going to see the dr tomorrow and probably start on the aspirin. I am still not that keen but maybe it is the lesser of two evils. Still a bit grumpy that other people do not even have to consider making this decision. SO NOT FAIR. I can stop my feet for a bit. It makes me feel better for it. But then get on with it. Life is too short to stand in the corner stomping my feet.

Thoughts to all the parents out there with prems.

xx

Aspirin and Pregnancy

I have not been on here for a bit as John went away.... Man it was tough being a solo parent for a week. It was not so hard looking after Molly but doing the other bits; the tiding, the dishes oh how they were so tiring.

We went to see the obstetrician yesterday and he was nice. I was very much surprised as I had thought that he would be terrible. Since we live in a small rural town there is not a lot of options and so we just get what we are given... or we travel a long way to get to a metro town. Which is fine if you have family but not so good if you do not have family in the metro town which we do not.

Anyway back to the dr. He suggested that I go on aspirin. This is not something that is new as the dr who got Molly out thought that I should go on it too when we get pregnant again. From what I can gather it has something to do with the placenta and the aspirin somehow makes it better when you are predisposed or at high risk of getting pre-eclampsia or in my case HELLP. I am not really that keen to take as I really don't want to take a drug during my pregnancy even if it is at a low dose.

But then I wonder how will I feel if I do not take it and something happens?? Would I beat myself up? I am sure that there would be that going on as lets face it, I had that going on when Molly was born; the constant wonderings if I could have done something different would the outcome have been different. There is no guarantee about what is going to happen either way. I might or might not have another prem child regardless of what I do. I have no control over that. But for my sanity maybe I need to take this to give myself the peace that I have done everything that I could to make sure that the baby went term.

Basically it boils down to that I am a hippy that does not like taking medicine. I pop a few panadol every now and again but that is about as hard as it gets. If I can take a natural approach then I do.

So there is my dilemma; if I take the medicine then I am not really following the natural path. I like to be able to use the best of both worlds, natural and medical, and be sceptical about all (well manly more about the medical model).

At the moment that I have either sides in my shoulders (just like a conscience) and it seems that my friends and family are mirroring this. Some are really for the medical model and are saying that I should definitely take and should be having weekly scans whilst others are saying that I should not take and should look into natural options. I am sure that I am going to annoy one side of my conscience as I am going to have to make a decision either way about this. I am just going to have to make up my mind and how other people react to that decision is their choice. I think that I will probably end up taking it.

Oh the joys of having a high risk pregnancy. It is not easy at all!!!!!!

So hats off to solo parents and parents in the neonate unit. Hang in there.