It is a done deal

John has finished his course. THANK GOODNESS. It is amazing how 1 course can put so much extra stress in the house. Now if I don't feel like getting Molly to sleep at night I do not feel immensely guilty about getting John to do it. I think that we are now in the calm before the next storm.

My mother in law has been here for the last 2 weeks and went home yesterday. It was really nice to have an extra pair of hands on board and the sleep ins were ace. There is always an interesting relationship between a mother in law and a daughter in law. I just did not feel like I could tell her what to do despite her  asking. Seemed a bit bossy to do that.  It is not like with your own family. My mother is coming over in 2 weeks and I think that she is quite used to me bossing her around. I think that she would find it quite strange if I did not ( she might find it a pleasant change though!!!)

I went and saw the midwife today. I think that every time that I see her I think, man she is cool. Totally what I need. She listens to what I have to say and then reacts in such a good way.

I have been having some pain in my left upper quadrant and I was getting worried as this was were I got pain when I had Molly. I think that I must be the only person that had pain on their left not right hand side... Anyway that was getting me worried. She thinks that the baby is lying in a way that its' feet would be up there so that is cool.
We talked about me getting worried about whether hellp will happen again and she basically said there is no point worrying about it. And she is right. I think that I read somewhere that if you are going to get pre-eclampsia then it starts when you are 8 weeks pregnant.... I am not sure how reliable that is but essentially it starts when the placenta is getting embedded so by this stage it probably is a done deal. Either way. By worrying about it all it does is give me more stress, make my bp go up and make me not enjoy this pregnancy. It might end tomorrow and this WILL be the last time that I am going to get pregnant. So I am going to write this on my fridge as this is where I write the things that I need to remind myself to do. I started doing this when I was getting counseling and I found it really helpful. Poor John used to come home and see "Let the control go" and all sorts of wee gems on the fridge. I am so lucky to have such an ace husband.

Anyway the numbers are 137/79 which is slightly higher than I would like but I am sure that it will go down now that we have the house to ourselves and John's test is over. I love getting visitors but it can be nice when they go as well.
Pee is good.
My midwife has ordered some bloods so that will be good to see how all is going inside.
Anyway, thoughts to neonate parents. I am off to write on the fridge!!!

Getting those pesky thoughts under control.

First things first.... well done the all whites. Man talk about beating the odds. I hope that they can get further!!!!
Things have been cruising. John's mum is over and it is going to be hard when she goes. Luckily my mother comes over 2 weeks after her so there is only a wee time that there is not an extra pair of hands in the house. Also John will have stopped studying by that time (bring on Thursday) so that will be at least one stress off. Aaaahhhh family weekends. I am looking forward to them.
But at the moment I get a sleep in every morning which is BLISS. I am getting pretty tired but I am sure that this is because I am fighting a wee cold. Molly had it last week and John and I have it this week.
Whenever I get any symptom that reminds me of what happened with Molly then it is all panic stations. With my swelling and now a bit of tiredness I am like OMG is this the start of the end???? I really don't mind if I was to have another prem, I would just like it to be at or around 32 weeks. I am not sure how I would handle it if I was to have a prem that was younger. I know of people that have had kids at 28-29 weeks and the kids are great. It is just that it is not my comfort zone. I suppose 32 weeks was not either until I had a child born at that gestation age.
So we will see. Everyday is a bit of a battle not to let the scared thoughts get on top of me. And then everyday that goes past is another day that the baby is on the right side and I am well.
I get really excited about this baby at times. It is something that I never had time for with Molly. I suppose that it is pretty cool that I can find some normal feelings amongst it all.
I am going to see the midwife again next week. I think that at 28 weeks I start to go weekly. Not sure if I want to start that after next week. I will think about it over the week.
Anyway thoughts to the neonate parents and babies. It is past my bedtime!!!

Sorted... well for the moment

We went and saw the midwife on Monday and man I feel like a different woman....

Appropriately the first thing that I did when I saw her was to burst into tears when I said that I had been getting some swelling. But it ended up that we were there for an hour and a half and it was cool.
She totally got it why I would be slightly (understatement) panicky that I was starting to get some swelling. She said that my understanding of birth is that you are fine and then 2 hours later you have a baby and feel like you have been hit by a truck. It was not until she put it like this that it kind of clicked. This is why I feel that I cannot fully relax as I am not sure that all is going to be turned on its head in 2 hours!!!!
We talked about the birth and she said that she gets called in for the actual gig. She also said that the things that we were wanting were not actually that unusual and should happen anyway. I have to prepare myself that I might end up with another csection but said that I was going to be VERY protective over the first 24 hours ( well obviously longer) but that I will want certain things to happen.... Namely the baby to come straight to me and to have them with me in recovery. Even if we have a preterm I would want to see them asap, even if I was sick. As my midwife says... hospital beds have wheels!!! The first 24 hours I really feel like I lost with Molly and it is the one thing that I would change. Everyone went to see her and I did not go until 3. I did not push it as I was so scared. Scared that she would die and scared about what the hell had just happened.
So I feel a whole lot better. I feel that we have a bit of a Jan on our side. When we had Molly we had to most amazing midwife that went into bat for us so many times that I could not even count. I think that we would have been even more of a train wreck if it was not for her. We always wanted someone in our corner that we could trust and rely on, and whilst our current midwife will not be able to follow us down to Adelaide if we get transferred, it is nice to know that we have a go to girl here. HORAY!!!
So the figures were good. Pee... totally not even worth writing about and BP 114/70. Pretty good considering I was a wreck emotionally the day before.
HORAY.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow but it is looking pretty rosy for today.
Thoughts head to all those neonate babies and parents.
xx

Swelling

So I am having some swelling and surprisingly enough it is in my hands. I am FREAKING out and it is hard to get a handle on the emotions. I think that it is going to be one of those days where the tears are free flowing.
I put a blog on the preeclampsia foundation website and there have been some lovely women reply that they also find themselves looking for swelling. I suppose that it is just what you do when you have had a full on experience in pregnancy... you look for things that may give you the heads up that something is going wrong.
I think that it kind of freaked me out as I always thought that we would make it to 32 weeks and today that seems like it might be a stretch. It is so hard and I am getting a bit worn down by it all. I just wish that it was over which is a shame as this will be the last time that I will be pregnant and I feel that I have not been able to enjoy either. I know that it is a mindset but it is really hard to pick myself up at the moment.
John's mother is arriving tomorrow which will be good. It means that I can rest more, put my feet up and sleep in. Bliss!!!! I just have to stop my thoughts from getting on top of me.
I went to the shopping mall and I saw a few people with 3 kids and I thought it was kind of sad as I feel that we do not have the choice to have 3. There is no bloody way that I am going through this again even if we make it to term. At least we have one beautiful child and one that is on the way. Some people are not that lucky.
I also saw my old counsellor and used every inch of strength not to say "can we have a session now" despite you just having given birth and probably being sleep deprived from having a new born. It is just not always about me I suppose.
Anyway I will go and survive through the day and get to tomorrow to see what my bp is doing. My poor midwife. I have a page of questions to ask her.... We might be there for a while!!!!
xxxx

Spiriling.

This has been a  hard week. For some reason I always thought that something would happen at 23. Whether this was 23 weeks I was not sure but it has really got me on edge. It would crack me up if the baby was born on a 23 of a month!!!

I think that we are now on the home stretch and 23 weeks is the last jump before viability which makes things better and harder. Better in that we know that the baby can survive better every week if it was born now but worse in that we are now getting into the area that pre-eclampsia might rear its' head again. I think that the emotional roller coaster is about to get started again and I am going to have to knuckle down to make sure that it does not get out of control.

I knew that it was going to get tougher but it totally surprises me when thinking gets a bit out of control. John was really good this time and told me that he thought that I was spiraling which is ACE. Usually when my thoughts are a bit out of control he feels a bit nervous to say anything which is not without merit as I have been known to be a bit grumpy!!!! But he bit the bullet and here we are. Realization.

I have been looking on a few websites lately and that is a sure sign that things are not heading in the right direction for my thinking. The 2 that I have been on are the pre-eclampsia foundation website and joyous birth which is the homebirth website in Australia. They are both really really good sites but they are quite polar in their opinions. Pre-eclampsia is more American based and there are people with a more medical model of care on there. On Joyous birth they are more hippy based and have a wee ( well large) distrust of the medicalized maternity system. I think that I sit in the middle. I hate the medicalization of the maternity system and think that women's rights have been eroded to almost nothing in the system. That you have to fight for everything if you want to have a "normal/ active" birth and you have to take every piece of advice and information with a grain of salt as there is usually an agenda going on. But at the same time, when you need them they can really work for you. If it not for a clock work efficiency team, Molly and I would not be here. So looking on these websites I think that I am searching for something that will stop me from being traumatized again. It is not until I get off the sites that I find that I have to get this from me.

I think that it is not the not knowing that is killing me. I look at my mates that are in their 30 weeks of pregnancy and I think " will I get there???". For Molly I only had 9 weeks to go until she was born. Man that is nothing. We will be there in a blink of an eye!!

Back to the grind and back to hard work dealing with emotions. Man I am going to like it when every day does not feel like I have to pull my boot straps up and work hard to keep the emotions in check!!!!

Thoughts going out to neonates!!!

xx

So back to the basics and back to today. We are going to meet my midwife on Monday and I think that this will help. We are going to talk about the birth as there are things that I want to happen regardless of whether we have another prem or not and I want to discuss what happens if we go term. I will be be signing up for another csection and I will not be consent to interventions that will definitely make this outcome more likely to happen if we go term.

Kind of over it now

I am buggered. It has been going on for a couple of days now and I am kind of over it. It is really hard being a parent and wife when you always feel completely wiped out. I am not sure why I am so buggered and I am sure that it is just the baby having a growth spurt.... but is it??

I hate that I have to think this and I think that this was the level of tiredness that I had with Molly. How the hell did we manage to do all the stuff that we did when I was feeling so tired. What on earth were we thinking!!!

I was looking at the blog spot of another woman that had hellp who is pregnant with her second child and she is at 35 weeks (WICKED) and she said that when she got to 35 weeks she felt like she could exhale. I think that this is such a great way of describing how I feel about this pregnancy. I feel like I have got my breath held and will let it go when the baby is born. I try and not to over think things and let things be as they may.... but it is hard, especially when I am so buggered. Wicks are slightly shorter and understanding takes a little longer. 

John is studying which is actually pretty hard work. He is totally amazing for support but at the moment the thing that is on the back burner is "our" time. He comes home from work, hangs with Molly and gets her ready for bed and then hits the books. Poor bugger I am not sure how he is doing it. Hopefully when he has his test in a couple of weeks things will get slightly less stressed until the baby comes. 

Both mother in laws are coming over for stints. We brought the bed for them yesterday which is good. At least they will be comfortable. I am slightly nervous about them coming. My original idea when we were planning to get pregnant was that we had no one over so that my stress levels would not go up. I know that having an extra pair of hands will be ace, but there is a small part of me that is worried about the adjustment. It is just having another adult in the house and trying not to be grumpy all the time (which is what I am at the moment). I am sure that it will be fine. I am really grateful that they can come over. And at least I will be able to have lots of afternoon sleeps and sleep ins. HHHHMMMM sleep ins. At the moment even they are not cutting it in reducing my fatigue level!!!

Anyway better go. Molly is asleep and I might go and put my head on the pillow. I am sure that this will be like an alarm clock for her.

23 weeks tomorrow. Almost viable.

Thinking of all the neonate parents.