Cate

It has been awhile since I have written a blog and that is because my best friend Cate died suddenly in her sleep. She was 35 and her twin boys are about to turn 1 in 2 weeks. It has not sunken in that she has actually died. It does not seem right that a 35 year old woman can go to bed and not wake up. But then this is what happened.
Cate was one of those people that were the light of the world. She was my best friend but I am sure that there are a number of people that could say the same thing about her. She was caring, compassionate, loyal, fun and so many things that I could not name them all. You knew where you stood with her and she had been such a big support for this pregnancy and for all things that I am not sure how I will survive without her.
I thought that being here and her being in Melbourne there would be a bit of distance for the denial to stay, but there are so many things that remind me of her. There are so many wee presents that she sent and associations with her. Last time I talked to her we were talking about how domestic our lives had got and she said that she wanted to get a vacuum cleaner from her partner for christmas. So now when I am doing the vacuum I am reminded of Cate. Cate was such a large part of our lives.
It was amazing to look back at the time that I had known her and how much she had changed. Who she was as a person was the same but she kind of came into herself if that makes sense. The last year in which she was a mother she was a joy to behold and an inspiration. The love that she has for those boys and her partner was beautiful. She had her ups and downs as we all do but she was able to ante up and get going with life and make everyday full of love. I cannot believe that she has gone.
I look around and see so many people that don't make the most of their lives and wonder why the hell could it not be them that did not wake up!! People that hide behind stuff or just shy away from life or that are just plan horrible. There seems no justice in life and I cannot make any sense of her death at all. It is not like she was sick like my brother and when he died there was a sense of relief. There was no "well she has had a long life" as she hadn't. 35 is far to young.
Her partner did her proud with the funeral that he organized. The people that spoke including himself captured her really well and I felt like she was just there. John had to spend the time outside with Molly as she was not that keen to stay put and they went around picking flowers and putting them in puddles for Cate. I think that she would have liked this.
Anyway it changed my focus for the pregnancy which at the moment seems to be ticking along pretty well. 35 weeks this week. bp good. Went and had it taken today and it was 138/90 which came down to something over 84. All good. I was seeing the dr this time which always makes my bp go higher.
Anyway my thoughts go out to Cate and her family. Always. It seems that there is not a time that I am not thinking about them. They are always just there at the back of my thoughts.

Made it

So we are at 32.1 weeks. Thought that there was be a fanfare that would go off, but there was not. The days have passed the same as they have for the rest of this pregnancy.
BUT we are in unchartered territory now. I don't want to moan about anything as every day that this baby is inside is a blessing!!!
Went and saw Lauren this evening. Stats are bp was 118/84 which was a little high but diastolic came down to 76 later. A trace of protein in my pee which can be normal (trying not to panic as there really is nothing to panic about) and Lauren said that if it is the same next week then will send to the lab. Usually don't do until there is a +1 but she said if there is 2 weeks in a row then they will check further. Had a weight in. Have gained 9 kg. By this point with Molly had gained 17kg. Slight difference, although I think that the first day after she was born I lost about 5 kg through pee!!!
All looking pretty good. Would love just to cruise to 37 weeks. My mum is going to stay until the baby is born. YAY. Pressure is off. Then she is going to go and help my sister.

xxxx

Here's looking at you kid

So we had a scan to see what the placenta was doing and we got to see the baby- hard not to. Amazing to see their wee face. They had the hands all clenched ready for the hitting of my kidneys which is what they are doing every night!!!! Fun. But it is great that they are doing such a lot. I think that is their hands at the front of the photo but I am not really sure. They were a bit squished to see whether they are a boy or a girl but I have a feeling that it is a boy. Mothers intuition and all. I am sitting on 100% as I was sure that Molly was a girl!!!

My counsellor has returned to work. I am not sure how she is managing as her baby is only 3 months old, but it is good news for me. This week has been pretty hard. I am 31 weeks so it was hard not to relive what happened at this point with Molly. Got married this day, had a bbq this day and tomorrow she would have been born. I think that it is timely that my counsellor returned as my head was/is really in a pretty bad spot. I had not seen her for just over 3 months and it is amazing how quickly I had reverted back to negative and really highly strung thinking. 35 years of conditioning is pretty hard to break it would seem. The scary thing was that I did not even notice.

She said that I have a choice to stay with my thinking really elevated or to try and bring it down. SO much easier said than done. So I am going to take the hard road and try and get it sorted. The main reason I want to do this as I really don't want Molly to learn my bad habits. I would hate for her conditioning to be that there is nothing to trust in the world and that you are really just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

 I remember being really worried about passing on anxiety when I was pregnant. Molly has a pretty big genetic loading for anxiety from both sides of her family and I really wanted to make sure that her nurture compensated for that. I also really did not want to put my shit on her. But slowly it is creeping in. This is just life and I have to give myself a break that I am not a failure as a mother but I do need to step it up when it comes to seeing what effect my dealing or not dealing with stuff has on her.  And how she effects me, as I really do not what to be the person that I was before she was born.... Highly strung going round in circles.

I am on weekly monitoring for bp and pee now which is good. The baby will be fine now that we have reached 32 weeks. Every day is a bonus and it will be weird to be in new territory. I am thinking that there was a lot of this pregnancy that I have looked back and thought what happened with Molly. As of Tuesday I will not be able to do.... Exciting.

Anyway John and I are off for coffee. Making the most of Grandma whilst she is here as it looks like she will be off in about 3 weeks. Yikes.

Thinking of all the high risk pregnant woman and the neonatal people!!!!

So I am on a bit of a high. A bp reading at 31 weeks of 110/70. This is close to what I get when I am not pregnant. I never thought that this would happen. I am not sure what has happened to my head but it seems pretty clear. The chances of having this baby in a week are small if that. Then we are in unchartered territory. What will it feel like to be 35 weeks pregnant? I have no idea!!!!! Good I suspect.

I suppose that I have just let go a few things as well. I have no control over what is going to happen. If the baby comes early then there is nothing that I can do to stop that BUT I can have control over how it effects me... in a way. This comes back to old stuff having an effect on what is happening now but I feel that we are heading to very familiar territory once we hit 32 weeks. It cannot be a shock as it was with Molly. I am more prepared and I think that the baby is stronger so that if it does come early then the chances of complications are less. It is not like at 23 weeks. Touch and go. And not to say that there won't be a curve ball but the chances are lower and I am liking the good odds. And curve balls are just life I suppose.

I am not sure how I got my head in a better space. Went and had a massage and came out feeling like a different woman. Had gone in feeling like the world was about to end and my thoughts were in a real tumble but now seems ok. At the moment I am only speaking for today. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. And I have to expect that there are good and bad days. That is normal.

The one thing that is making me slightly sad as I head to 32 weeks is that I could not give Molly longer in utero. She had such a hard start and I know that this is her journey but it does make me feel sad. All the things that she had to go through.... man she has shown me strength!!!!!

Anyway thoughts to neonatal and high risk pregnancy peoples.