Last Blog...Maybe

So we made it. Full term and we did not go bust.... well maybe a few times along the way. Lucas is great. Feeding A LOT and we are slowly getting used to the sleepless nights (well not really, but what can you do).

I feel like myself again which is nice. I can now see how much anxiety there was floating around when I was pregnant. Man it really was tough. And you cannot think clearly. Those pregnancy hormones really are a kicker.

The birth was really cool. I am pleased that I did it drug free. Transition was a horrible thing but then I think that it is for everyone. I feel like the birth of Lucas has rounded out the birth of Molly. They were each different and special as we got the kids from them. Having a normal pregnancy and birth it made John and I really realize how hard Molly's start was. She is a trooper but man she really had it tough!!!!

Anyway just a short note as I have to try and get Lucas to sleep. And then me whilst Molly is at her friends.

xxxxx

Family

WOW 38.2 weeks. I am not sure how we managed to get here. A lot of stress and anxiety it seems but we are hear and I have to say....

I AM OVER IT.

I NEVER thought that I would ever say that I am sick of being pregnant as I wanted to be pregnant again SO much after Molly was born. I told myself off for not being thankful for every day that I was pregnant with her. With this pregnancy I have tried to be in to it but it has been really hard. Not to worry at the slightest thing that I might be feeling. Not to get worried every time that I went for a check up. Not looking at every pregnant woman that was not high risk and wishing that was me. Not looking at women that got to term and wondering if that would be me.... and look I have made it.
And now I want it to be over. I am sick of the worry about what may happen next and I want to meet them.... pink or blue. John reckons pink, I reckon blue.

But then it is not up to me. They will come when they come and when they are here I will be wishing for the calm before the storm again. I imagine that it is going to be quite an adjustment with 2 kids. Man I can hardly manage with 1!!

But as it gets closer to having the baby I suppose I have been thinking about our family and the changes that are about to be made. Even though Molly is 2.5 I wonder what kind of parent do I want to be and how is this going to change as she gets older.

I have been thinking a lot about my family. What they mean to me and how I sit in the family dynamic.  I love my family but forever I think that I have always seen them through the "youngest of the family" eyes.  They could do no wrong which is not fair to them or to me. I am not sure that this makes sense. I have ALWAYS looked up to my siblings and I suppose now I am just getting it that we are just equal. That they have their opinions just as I have mine and that does not make either right or wrong. Older siblings are pretty good at giving advice (even when it is not needed or warranted) and I suppose I have always wanted to get that from them.  I suppose that parenthood really makes you realize that you can step away from this and that as a consequence this changes family relationships. I totally love my family, I suppose there is some adjustment going on in my head as I prepare to firmly establish my new family.

I am not sure what kind of parent I will be to Molly and the new one. Only time will tell. I hope that I will show them enough love and support that they feel that the world is a safe place. And I hope that I grow with them as a parent as there is nothing worse than a parent that is trying to parent an adult that does not need to be parented in that way. Helicopter parents as my friend would say. I am trying to let Molly discover the world for herself in a safe way at the moment.

Anyway I hope that next time I get on this thing there is a baby in my arms but I am not sure. Maybe it is a girl as they are making me wait.... I am so not good at patience!!!!
Went and saw Lauren this morning. BP a bit high but ok. Pee fine and baby's head engaged. YIPEE.
Thoughts of Cate and high risk women.

Gastro

So for the last 48 hours I have been pretty under the weather with gastro. God I hate gastro. I think that I would rather have teeth pulled without anesthetic than get gastro. There were times that I was wishing for death!!!
Molly had it on Saturday which was great as John was away. I think that John would have made a better nurse than I as he is very patient when it comes to vomit. I just want to vomit when I am around people that are vomiting. God knows how I made it through 3 years of nurse training!!!
Anyway Molly's was pretty mild, just a night of vomiting and then she picked up after a couple of days. Mum and I thought that it we were going to get it then it would not be that bad.... oh how wrong we were... I felt fine and then wamo hit with the gastro stick. Mum got it but not as bad as me. After 12 hours of not keeping anything down I went to the ed and got a couple of bags of fluids which I think was a really good idea. Then I went and saw Lauren and I think she was pretty sure that I was at the very beginnings of labour. She put me on the monitor which I was happy to do as I wanted to make sure that the baby was ok and she said that there was contractions in my uterus that were VERY similar to birthing contractions. I said that I had some back ache which made her hurried as she said that labour can some times start in the back!!!
LUCKILY it stopped. I could not imagine having gastro and having a baby but it can happen. I think the body gets the baby out if it thinks that the body is more hostile. The receptionist at the maternity unit had a baby at 28 weeks as she had gastro. Scary. At least we are at 37 weeks. So good to go.
Lauren did a ve to see what my cervix was doing and it seems that it is dilated 1cm and softening which I am taking to mean that it is good and at the time not in labour. She was pretty happy with that. The baby's head is not fully engaged so in all I am not sure what this means. Hopefully that we do not have to wait that much longer to meet the wee blighter!!!
Anyway mum spent all day in bed yesterday and I have spent most of the day resting today. Have been trying to push the fluids which is hard when I am also trying to sleep as much as can. Feel a bit wired as want to go and do things but cannot!!!! Oh well the washing and the cleaning will just have to wait.
My bp was a bit over the show yesterday at the hospital. Diastolic was as low as 60 and as high as 93. My urinalyses was all over the shop as well with a stack of ketones and protein at +1, but I am not placing much weight on them as I was crook.
So here is hoping for a non dramatic birth. It really would be nice after Molly. If I could put in my wish list it would be fast, but not too fast, natural with no complications and with no gastro. Not too much to ask for I think.
Looks like we will be moving soon. Not sure when and it seems it will be longer than what we had originally thought but we will be out of the hill soon. YAY. Well done John.
Anyway thinking of you Cate and high risk women.
xx

TIme is ticking on.

I have been a bit slack and have not been on here for a bit. I am quite good and not looking at things when I am a bit overwhelmed.
The good news is that we are 37 weeks on Monday. WOWOWOWOWOW. I really never thought that we would get to this stage and it seems to have been a cruise.
There were people that have said that " I am sure that this one will go fine" "it will be different this time" and unfortunately for me, this is the worst thing that people can say to a woman having a high risk pregnancy. I understand that people want to comfort and are not sure what to say and feel that they have to say something but I don't know and neither do they that it will be different. What if it isn't. There is so much rumination and anxiety with high risk pregnancies that you do not dream even for a second that it could be ok as what if it is not. Protective measures really.
My Cate said to be once that this is not a high risk pregnancy as if you look at my symptoms they are all pointing to everything going well. At the time I did not believe her but I do now. My high risk pregnancy was Molly.
Now I just have the normal worries like what is the baby going to be like (please sleep more than Molly) and what is the birth going to be like. I really want to have a natural birth but I have to be careful not to set myself up for disappointment like with Molly. I have to have some level of control what ever happens which is the main thing that I felt I had none of when Molly was born.
My thinking has been pretty bad this week.  I am wanting to get things sorted and it is hard when there are things that cannot be put in little boxes.... namely why is it that Cate died. Her twins were 1 on Thursday so that was a hard day. It is all so senseless.
Plus we are a little unsettled as John is looking for new jobs. He is away this weekend at an interview. Fingers crossed as it seems like a pretty good area. Trust us to do things pretty full on. The baby will be born and we will be moving if he gets it. AAAAHHH. Oh well. I think that there is a part of me that likes the chaos.
Anyway was feeling pretty crappy at the beginning of the week so went and saw Lauren. The stats were AMAZING. Bp 90/50. At first I though that she said 190/150 until it sunk in. It is flipping around as the previous week it was 138/90. Oh well.
This time next week we may have a baby. Yikes that is scary. Better get a car seat and get the clothes out. To this point I have been too scared to.
Thinking of you Cate. xx

Cate

It has been awhile since I have written a blog and that is because my best friend Cate died suddenly in her sleep. She was 35 and her twin boys are about to turn 1 in 2 weeks. It has not sunken in that she has actually died. It does not seem right that a 35 year old woman can go to bed and not wake up. But then this is what happened.
Cate was one of those people that were the light of the world. She was my best friend but I am sure that there are a number of people that could say the same thing about her. She was caring, compassionate, loyal, fun and so many things that I could not name them all. You knew where you stood with her and she had been such a big support for this pregnancy and for all things that I am not sure how I will survive without her.
I thought that being here and her being in Melbourne there would be a bit of distance for the denial to stay, but there are so many things that remind me of her. There are so many wee presents that she sent and associations with her. Last time I talked to her we were talking about how domestic our lives had got and she said that she wanted to get a vacuum cleaner from her partner for christmas. So now when I am doing the vacuum I am reminded of Cate. Cate was such a large part of our lives.
It was amazing to look back at the time that I had known her and how much she had changed. Who she was as a person was the same but she kind of came into herself if that makes sense. The last year in which she was a mother she was a joy to behold and an inspiration. The love that she has for those boys and her partner was beautiful. She had her ups and downs as we all do but she was able to ante up and get going with life and make everyday full of love. I cannot believe that she has gone.
I look around and see so many people that don't make the most of their lives and wonder why the hell could it not be them that did not wake up!! People that hide behind stuff or just shy away from life or that are just plan horrible. There seems no justice in life and I cannot make any sense of her death at all. It is not like she was sick like my brother and when he died there was a sense of relief. There was no "well she has had a long life" as she hadn't. 35 is far to young.
Her partner did her proud with the funeral that he organized. The people that spoke including himself captured her really well and I felt like she was just there. John had to spend the time outside with Molly as she was not that keen to stay put and they went around picking flowers and putting them in puddles for Cate. I think that she would have liked this.
Anyway it changed my focus for the pregnancy which at the moment seems to be ticking along pretty well. 35 weeks this week. bp good. Went and had it taken today and it was 138/90 which came down to something over 84. All good. I was seeing the dr this time which always makes my bp go higher.
Anyway my thoughts go out to Cate and her family. Always. It seems that there is not a time that I am not thinking about them. They are always just there at the back of my thoughts.

Made it

So we are at 32.1 weeks. Thought that there was be a fanfare that would go off, but there was not. The days have passed the same as they have for the rest of this pregnancy.
BUT we are in unchartered territory now. I don't want to moan about anything as every day that this baby is inside is a blessing!!!
Went and saw Lauren this evening. Stats are bp was 118/84 which was a little high but diastolic came down to 76 later. A trace of protein in my pee which can be normal (trying not to panic as there really is nothing to panic about) and Lauren said that if it is the same next week then will send to the lab. Usually don't do until there is a +1 but she said if there is 2 weeks in a row then they will check further. Had a weight in. Have gained 9 kg. By this point with Molly had gained 17kg. Slight difference, although I think that the first day after she was born I lost about 5 kg through pee!!!
All looking pretty good. Would love just to cruise to 37 weeks. My mum is going to stay until the baby is born. YAY. Pressure is off. Then she is going to go and help my sister.

xxxx

Here's looking at you kid

So we had a scan to see what the placenta was doing and we got to see the baby- hard not to. Amazing to see their wee face. They had the hands all clenched ready for the hitting of my kidneys which is what they are doing every night!!!! Fun. But it is great that they are doing such a lot. I think that is their hands at the front of the photo but I am not really sure. They were a bit squished to see whether they are a boy or a girl but I have a feeling that it is a boy. Mothers intuition and all. I am sitting on 100% as I was sure that Molly was a girl!!!

My counsellor has returned to work. I am not sure how she is managing as her baby is only 3 months old, but it is good news for me. This week has been pretty hard. I am 31 weeks so it was hard not to relive what happened at this point with Molly. Got married this day, had a bbq this day and tomorrow she would have been born. I think that it is timely that my counsellor returned as my head was/is really in a pretty bad spot. I had not seen her for just over 3 months and it is amazing how quickly I had reverted back to negative and really highly strung thinking. 35 years of conditioning is pretty hard to break it would seem. The scary thing was that I did not even notice.

She said that I have a choice to stay with my thinking really elevated or to try and bring it down. SO much easier said than done. So I am going to take the hard road and try and get it sorted. The main reason I want to do this as I really don't want Molly to learn my bad habits. I would hate for her conditioning to be that there is nothing to trust in the world and that you are really just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

 I remember being really worried about passing on anxiety when I was pregnant. Molly has a pretty big genetic loading for anxiety from both sides of her family and I really wanted to make sure that her nurture compensated for that. I also really did not want to put my shit on her. But slowly it is creeping in. This is just life and I have to give myself a break that I am not a failure as a mother but I do need to step it up when it comes to seeing what effect my dealing or not dealing with stuff has on her.  And how she effects me, as I really do not what to be the person that I was before she was born.... Highly strung going round in circles.

I am on weekly monitoring for bp and pee now which is good. The baby will be fine now that we have reached 32 weeks. Every day is a bonus and it will be weird to be in new territory. I am thinking that there was a lot of this pregnancy that I have looked back and thought what happened with Molly. As of Tuesday I will not be able to do.... Exciting.

Anyway John and I are off for coffee. Making the most of Grandma whilst she is here as it looks like she will be off in about 3 weeks. Yikes.

Thinking of all the high risk pregnant woman and the neonatal people!!!!

So I am on a bit of a high. A bp reading at 31 weeks of 110/70. This is close to what I get when I am not pregnant. I never thought that this would happen. I am not sure what has happened to my head but it seems pretty clear. The chances of having this baby in a week are small if that. Then we are in unchartered territory. What will it feel like to be 35 weeks pregnant? I have no idea!!!!! Good I suspect.

I suppose that I have just let go a few things as well. I have no control over what is going to happen. If the baby comes early then there is nothing that I can do to stop that BUT I can have control over how it effects me... in a way. This comes back to old stuff having an effect on what is happening now but I feel that we are heading to very familiar territory once we hit 32 weeks. It cannot be a shock as it was with Molly. I am more prepared and I think that the baby is stronger so that if it does come early then the chances of complications are less. It is not like at 23 weeks. Touch and go. And not to say that there won't be a curve ball but the chances are lower and I am liking the good odds. And curve balls are just life I suppose.

I am not sure how I got my head in a better space. Went and had a massage and came out feeling like a different woman. Had gone in feeling like the world was about to end and my thoughts were in a real tumble but now seems ok. At the moment I am only speaking for today. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. And I have to expect that there are good and bad days. That is normal.

The one thing that is making me slightly sad as I head to 32 weeks is that I could not give Molly longer in utero. She had such a hard start and I know that this is her journey but it does make me feel sad. All the things that she had to go through.... man she has shown me strength!!!!!

Anyway thoughts to neonatal and high risk pregnancy peoples.

dust is settling

Last week we went to Adelaide. 1- to get Molly's belly button hernia repaired and 2 to see an ob to get a second opinion about if we should be doing anything differently in this pregnancy.

The repair of Molly's hernia was pretty horrible. She is such a trooper and takes things on the chin (she has had such a lot of things to take on the chin) but it was really hard to watch her go through yet another thing. She had a wee pre-med before the surgery and it was kind of funny as she looked drunk. She was in fits of laugher in the pre op as a helium balloon was touching the ceiling. It was a bit of a different story afterwards. I was lying on her bed and I said to John " I think that it is her coming" as you could hear her crying as she was brought down the corridor ( from quite a way away). It was horrible for her.

 She just could not settle and was kicking and crying and we all felt so helpless.  Finally we were able to get her to sleep and when she woke up a while later she was back to herself but in a bit of pain. This time was a bit different for me as I had John and Mum there. Usually it is just me there which is ok, you just get down to business but with 3 and her being so distressed I think that we all felt surplus. I have my fingers and toes crossed that we do not have to go through anything again for a very long time. For Molly. I really do think that she has been through enough!!!

For the second reason we saw the Dr and he was a bit condescending to start off with. Starting going on that we should think of the glass as half full not half empty and that nothing might happen this pregnancy. He totally did not get it. So we stuck at it and finally he gave us some figures that we need to keep in mind. Said that if my Bp goes up by 15 points systolically or diastolically then it is to get re-checked again that day and if it is still up then again the next day. He talked us through protein in the pee and what that would mean at each stage and what it would mean if there was no protein in the pee but an elevated bp. Said that we would not be getting any different service in a metro area and both John and I came away thinking that we were actually getting better service where we are. Our midwife is great and is very respectful to what we are going through and the choices that we make. This guy was almost at bullying stage at the end of the consult for me to go and get a gestational diabetes test done. John and I were like... our daughter is about to have surgery.... give us a freaking break.

Anyway my head is a lot calmer this week. I never thought that I would say (and I am slightly nervous to say) but I am kind of over it. I just want to lie on my stomach at night, and not to worry about things however slightly or consumingly and to meet the wee fella. I really hope that we make it to 37 weeks and I hope that the next weeks go really fast. I am ready for the next stage (which I am sure will be less sleep or no sleep and chaos!!!)

Thoughts going out to neonate and high risk pregnancy women.

Dummy Run

Last week was quite full on.
I had some pain which to me was the same that I had when Molly was born. So I did the appropriate thing and did nothing for a couple of days, then it got to much and I rang the unit. They said that it needed to be checked out so I got a friend to mind Molly and went to the unit (I find that having Molly at the appointments makes it SO stressful). They basically gave me the run around. Said that my obs were good and as the pain was on the left side then I should go and see my G.P. It was really annoying that my midwife was not there and it seems that if she is not there then the care is going to be dodgy!!!!

I had told them that when I had hellp that the pain was on the left side... Who knows why, pressure from my liver on other organs is the only thing that I can think of.

So that got us worried. Are we doing the right thing by being here? There was such a discussion when we were thinking of getting pregnant. Do we stay here? Do we wait longer? Do we do this at all?? We are SO happy with our midwife. She is great but am are worried as she cannot be there 24/7 for us just incase something happens. hhhhmmmm

I went and saw her last night and she had obviously had some mention of what had happened as the first thing that she said was "what is your version of event?". The thing I stressed and that she got was that I do not seek out help easily. I went to work the day that Molly was born thinking that everything was ok....

Anyway I did end up going to see the G.P. I was not going to but the anxiety got the better of me and it was just intercostal pain. I think that we have a bit of a big baby getting grown!!!
I think that our plan will be that if my midwife is not available then we will head to the G.P. They are lovely. I am not going to go to a place that does not take my concerns seriously.

So the figures from last night are ok but not that great. BP had to be done twice. First read 128/90 then 10 minutes later it was 137/84. At least the diastolic came down. These are pretty high numbers for me. I usually sit around 110/60 so am trying really hard not to get too anxious about it. I am glad that I do not have a bp cuff here as I would be checking it every 5 minutes which I think would be worse. I am hoping that this stays stable. My midwife thinks that it is ok as I had these figures at the beginning. Might just be my pregnant bp. It is funny with anxiety. I have been checking out the pre-eclampsia website heaps which is really cool. Nice to find people that have been through the same thing. You can see the anxiety jumping off the page with some women's blogs and it is funny because I will think "man you just need to do this, and RELAX" and then I think hang on that was me a day ago. It is SO hard to divorce yourself from the anxiety when you get triggered. Maybe this is my lesson from this pregnancy. To be honest, I don't care at the moment. I just want to make it to 32 weeks and then 35. PLEASE!!!! But I keep telling myself that I have no control over this and what happens will happen. Sometimes easier said than done!!!!!
My mum is coming tomorrow and I am really excited about it. I think that this may have a dramatic effect on the outcome of my pregnancy. I can rest as much as I can. YAY.
Anyway take care. Better go and get Molly.
Thinking of all the neonates and hoping that we are not going to join them soon.

Did lose it slightly

So after writing that I was all zen and that I was not going to worry about what was going to happen with this pregnancy, I promptly went off and started to worry. In fact I got myself all worked up. It was one of those occasions when it just seemed to get out of my grasp.
I went and borrowed a bp cuff from my friend and was measuring my bp constantly for a bit and then worrying when the numbers came back the same. I got really fixated on the numbers....
I am sure that if this was happening to a friend of mine when I would be saying whoa back girl. It is all looking pretty good. But I could not step back from myself and do this.
The negative and the positive parts of my brain were really going for it. I would try and think positively and then whammo there would be a negative thought come in and I would be off again. I don't think that there seemed to be a point to the worry and so I asked myself many times.... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??
And then I started to try and look at things that were good in my life so that every time I thought of something negative, I would think of something good. It might be that the trees look pretty, that Molly is totally cool, that I have the perfect husband and slowly the positive took over.
I also thought that there are aspects that I need to get control over so that if I am in a situation where I feel that I have no control then I have control over the bits that I can. I cannot control if I have a prem but  I can be more involved and have control over other aspects of my care than I was with Molly. Namely the first 24 hours post birth. So I have written a plan that I will print out and keep in my wallet so that if the worst should occur then I know I have thought about the stuff that I want to happen and can just give the paper to the carers. Then I feel like I have got some control in a situation that I have no control over.
Sorted.
I have been following a woman's blog that had hellp at 28 weeks with her first child and she is about to have her second child. I am SO excited for her. I do not even know her and will probably never meet her but it is SO amazing to see someone go on and have a term baby, especially when she had hellp worse than me. YEAH!!!! I felt like jumping up and down and the thought that she had made it. Hopefully it will be us next!!!!
Take care
xx

It is a done deal

John has finished his course. THANK GOODNESS. It is amazing how 1 course can put so much extra stress in the house. Now if I don't feel like getting Molly to sleep at night I do not feel immensely guilty about getting John to do it. I think that we are now in the calm before the next storm.

My mother in law has been here for the last 2 weeks and went home yesterday. It was really nice to have an extra pair of hands on board and the sleep ins were ace. There is always an interesting relationship between a mother in law and a daughter in law. I just did not feel like I could tell her what to do despite her  asking. Seemed a bit bossy to do that.  It is not like with your own family. My mother is coming over in 2 weeks and I think that she is quite used to me bossing her around. I think that she would find it quite strange if I did not ( she might find it a pleasant change though!!!)

I went and saw the midwife today. I think that every time that I see her I think, man she is cool. Totally what I need. She listens to what I have to say and then reacts in such a good way.

I have been having some pain in my left upper quadrant and I was getting worried as this was were I got pain when I had Molly. I think that I must be the only person that had pain on their left not right hand side... Anyway that was getting me worried. She thinks that the baby is lying in a way that its' feet would be up there so that is cool.
We talked about me getting worried about whether hellp will happen again and she basically said there is no point worrying about it. And she is right. I think that I read somewhere that if you are going to get pre-eclampsia then it starts when you are 8 weeks pregnant.... I am not sure how reliable that is but essentially it starts when the placenta is getting embedded so by this stage it probably is a done deal. Either way. By worrying about it all it does is give me more stress, make my bp go up and make me not enjoy this pregnancy. It might end tomorrow and this WILL be the last time that I am going to get pregnant. So I am going to write this on my fridge as this is where I write the things that I need to remind myself to do. I started doing this when I was getting counseling and I found it really helpful. Poor John used to come home and see "Let the control go" and all sorts of wee gems on the fridge. I am so lucky to have such an ace husband.

Anyway the numbers are 137/79 which is slightly higher than I would like but I am sure that it will go down now that we have the house to ourselves and John's test is over. I love getting visitors but it can be nice when they go as well.
Pee is good.
My midwife has ordered some bloods so that will be good to see how all is going inside.
Anyway, thoughts to neonate parents. I am off to write on the fridge!!!

Getting those pesky thoughts under control.

First things first.... well done the all whites. Man talk about beating the odds. I hope that they can get further!!!!
Things have been cruising. John's mum is over and it is going to be hard when she goes. Luckily my mother comes over 2 weeks after her so there is only a wee time that there is not an extra pair of hands in the house. Also John will have stopped studying by that time (bring on Thursday) so that will be at least one stress off. Aaaahhhh family weekends. I am looking forward to them.
But at the moment I get a sleep in every morning which is BLISS. I am getting pretty tired but I am sure that this is because I am fighting a wee cold. Molly had it last week and John and I have it this week.
Whenever I get any symptom that reminds me of what happened with Molly then it is all panic stations. With my swelling and now a bit of tiredness I am like OMG is this the start of the end???? I really don't mind if I was to have another prem, I would just like it to be at or around 32 weeks. I am not sure how I would handle it if I was to have a prem that was younger. I know of people that have had kids at 28-29 weeks and the kids are great. It is just that it is not my comfort zone. I suppose 32 weeks was not either until I had a child born at that gestation age.
So we will see. Everyday is a bit of a battle not to let the scared thoughts get on top of me. And then everyday that goes past is another day that the baby is on the right side and I am well.
I get really excited about this baby at times. It is something that I never had time for with Molly. I suppose that it is pretty cool that I can find some normal feelings amongst it all.
I am going to see the midwife again next week. I think that at 28 weeks I start to go weekly. Not sure if I want to start that after next week. I will think about it over the week.
Anyway thoughts to the neonate parents and babies. It is past my bedtime!!!

Sorted... well for the moment

We went and saw the midwife on Monday and man I feel like a different woman....

Appropriately the first thing that I did when I saw her was to burst into tears when I said that I had been getting some swelling. But it ended up that we were there for an hour and a half and it was cool.
She totally got it why I would be slightly (understatement) panicky that I was starting to get some swelling. She said that my understanding of birth is that you are fine and then 2 hours later you have a baby and feel like you have been hit by a truck. It was not until she put it like this that it kind of clicked. This is why I feel that I cannot fully relax as I am not sure that all is going to be turned on its head in 2 hours!!!!
We talked about the birth and she said that she gets called in for the actual gig. She also said that the things that we were wanting were not actually that unusual and should happen anyway. I have to prepare myself that I might end up with another csection but said that I was going to be VERY protective over the first 24 hours ( well obviously longer) but that I will want certain things to happen.... Namely the baby to come straight to me and to have them with me in recovery. Even if we have a preterm I would want to see them asap, even if I was sick. As my midwife says... hospital beds have wheels!!! The first 24 hours I really feel like I lost with Molly and it is the one thing that I would change. Everyone went to see her and I did not go until 3. I did not push it as I was so scared. Scared that she would die and scared about what the hell had just happened.
So I feel a whole lot better. I feel that we have a bit of a Jan on our side. When we had Molly we had to most amazing midwife that went into bat for us so many times that I could not even count. I think that we would have been even more of a train wreck if it was not for her. We always wanted someone in our corner that we could trust and rely on, and whilst our current midwife will not be able to follow us down to Adelaide if we get transferred, it is nice to know that we have a go to girl here. HORAY!!!
So the figures were good. Pee... totally not even worth writing about and BP 114/70. Pretty good considering I was a wreck emotionally the day before.
HORAY.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow but it is looking pretty rosy for today.
Thoughts head to all those neonate babies and parents.
xx

Swelling

So I am having some swelling and surprisingly enough it is in my hands. I am FREAKING out and it is hard to get a handle on the emotions. I think that it is going to be one of those days where the tears are free flowing.
I put a blog on the preeclampsia foundation website and there have been some lovely women reply that they also find themselves looking for swelling. I suppose that it is just what you do when you have had a full on experience in pregnancy... you look for things that may give you the heads up that something is going wrong.
I think that it kind of freaked me out as I always thought that we would make it to 32 weeks and today that seems like it might be a stretch. It is so hard and I am getting a bit worn down by it all. I just wish that it was over which is a shame as this will be the last time that I will be pregnant and I feel that I have not been able to enjoy either. I know that it is a mindset but it is really hard to pick myself up at the moment.
John's mother is arriving tomorrow which will be good. It means that I can rest more, put my feet up and sleep in. Bliss!!!! I just have to stop my thoughts from getting on top of me.
I went to the shopping mall and I saw a few people with 3 kids and I thought it was kind of sad as I feel that we do not have the choice to have 3. There is no bloody way that I am going through this again even if we make it to term. At least we have one beautiful child and one that is on the way. Some people are not that lucky.
I also saw my old counsellor and used every inch of strength not to say "can we have a session now" despite you just having given birth and probably being sleep deprived from having a new born. It is just not always about me I suppose.
Anyway I will go and survive through the day and get to tomorrow to see what my bp is doing. My poor midwife. I have a page of questions to ask her.... We might be there for a while!!!!
xxxx

Spiriling.

This has been a  hard week. For some reason I always thought that something would happen at 23. Whether this was 23 weeks I was not sure but it has really got me on edge. It would crack me up if the baby was born on a 23 of a month!!!

I think that we are now on the home stretch and 23 weeks is the last jump before viability which makes things better and harder. Better in that we know that the baby can survive better every week if it was born now but worse in that we are now getting into the area that pre-eclampsia might rear its' head again. I think that the emotional roller coaster is about to get started again and I am going to have to knuckle down to make sure that it does not get out of control.

I knew that it was going to get tougher but it totally surprises me when thinking gets a bit out of control. John was really good this time and told me that he thought that I was spiraling which is ACE. Usually when my thoughts are a bit out of control he feels a bit nervous to say anything which is not without merit as I have been known to be a bit grumpy!!!! But he bit the bullet and here we are. Realization.

I have been looking on a few websites lately and that is a sure sign that things are not heading in the right direction for my thinking. The 2 that I have been on are the pre-eclampsia foundation website and joyous birth which is the homebirth website in Australia. They are both really really good sites but they are quite polar in their opinions. Pre-eclampsia is more American based and there are people with a more medical model of care on there. On Joyous birth they are more hippy based and have a wee ( well large) distrust of the medicalized maternity system. I think that I sit in the middle. I hate the medicalization of the maternity system and think that women's rights have been eroded to almost nothing in the system. That you have to fight for everything if you want to have a "normal/ active" birth and you have to take every piece of advice and information with a grain of salt as there is usually an agenda going on. But at the same time, when you need them they can really work for you. If it not for a clock work efficiency team, Molly and I would not be here. So looking on these websites I think that I am searching for something that will stop me from being traumatized again. It is not until I get off the sites that I find that I have to get this from me.

I think that it is not the not knowing that is killing me. I look at my mates that are in their 30 weeks of pregnancy and I think " will I get there???". For Molly I only had 9 weeks to go until she was born. Man that is nothing. We will be there in a blink of an eye!!

Back to the grind and back to hard work dealing with emotions. Man I am going to like it when every day does not feel like I have to pull my boot straps up and work hard to keep the emotions in check!!!!

Thoughts going out to neonates!!!

xx

So back to the basics and back to today. We are going to meet my midwife on Monday and I think that this will help. We are going to talk about the birth as there are things that I want to happen regardless of whether we have another prem or not and I want to discuss what happens if we go term. I will be be signing up for another csection and I will not be consent to interventions that will definitely make this outcome more likely to happen if we go term.

Kind of over it now

I am buggered. It has been going on for a couple of days now and I am kind of over it. It is really hard being a parent and wife when you always feel completely wiped out. I am not sure why I am so buggered and I am sure that it is just the baby having a growth spurt.... but is it??

I hate that I have to think this and I think that this was the level of tiredness that I had with Molly. How the hell did we manage to do all the stuff that we did when I was feeling so tired. What on earth were we thinking!!!

I was looking at the blog spot of another woman that had hellp who is pregnant with her second child and she is at 35 weeks (WICKED) and she said that when she got to 35 weeks she felt like she could exhale. I think that this is such a great way of describing how I feel about this pregnancy. I feel like I have got my breath held and will let it go when the baby is born. I try and not to over think things and let things be as they may.... but it is hard, especially when I am so buggered. Wicks are slightly shorter and understanding takes a little longer. 

John is studying which is actually pretty hard work. He is totally amazing for support but at the moment the thing that is on the back burner is "our" time. He comes home from work, hangs with Molly and gets her ready for bed and then hits the books. Poor bugger I am not sure how he is doing it. Hopefully when he has his test in a couple of weeks things will get slightly less stressed until the baby comes. 

Both mother in laws are coming over for stints. We brought the bed for them yesterday which is good. At least they will be comfortable. I am slightly nervous about them coming. My original idea when we were planning to get pregnant was that we had no one over so that my stress levels would not go up. I know that having an extra pair of hands will be ace, but there is a small part of me that is worried about the adjustment. It is just having another adult in the house and trying not to be grumpy all the time (which is what I am at the moment). I am sure that it will be fine. I am really grateful that they can come over. And at least I will be able to have lots of afternoon sleeps and sleep ins. HHHHMMMM sleep ins. At the moment even they are not cutting it in reducing my fatigue level!!!

Anyway better go. Molly is asleep and I might go and put my head on the pillow. I am sure that this will be like an alarm clock for her.

23 weeks tomorrow. Almost viable.

Thinking of all the neonate parents.

Love the low bp reading

So it might be a bit hard to see what is in the photo but it is my belly. The baby is getting bigger and am starting to show, and I suppose I should be as I am hitting on to 22 weeks today. YAY.
Went and saw my midwife yesterday and everything is going along swimmingly. BP is 114/66 which is ace. It is always great to get a low bp reading. I feel like I get on a bit of a high for a few days. Last one that was taken was at the dr when I took Molly and it was 127/80. The interesting thing is that I tend to get higher reading on the electronic machines. At least at the maternity unit they always use a manual gismo.
Heard the babies heartbeat and all is sounding good. At the moment at least. I think that is the hard bit. I always feel that there should be a "at the moment" part because it might turn pear shape.... BUT at the moment it is good. And that is cool. I was trying to remember what I was like with Molly at this stage. We had just moved country, were looking for a house, looking for work and organizing a wedding. I think that I was pretty puffy by this stage... and as everyone who I have read who had hellp talks about thinking that this is normal, so did I. I just thought that this is what you got when you were pregnant. Hard to know the abnormal when you have never had the normal before.
Anyway trying to keep my head above water. For some reason I am really worried about the 23 week. I have been for a long time. I think that I see the 24 weeks as a bit of a milestone. At 24 weeks they are far more likely to do interventions although my midwife said that at Adelaide they will intervene at 23 weeks if the parents decide. Which I don't think think that we would. But who knows until we are in that situation. But to be 23 weeks and to have something happen would be full on as the babies just have a better chance at every week that they stay in.
So fingers crossed that we cruise through the next 2 weeks. If they go as fast as the last 2 weeks we will be through them before you know it.
Thoughts going out to all the neonate parents.

Temperatures

Molly was a bit sick the other day and she had some pretty wicked temperatures. It freaks me out when she gets a temperature as she had a febrile seizure last year when she had a nasty ear infection. So when she had 39.3 the other day all I could think was that she was going to have another one. 

I had worked with people with epilepsy before so I was well aware of what you do when someone is having a seizure; namely put them in the recovery position, make sure that there is nothing close to them, look at the clock and then go and put the jug on. They were so common where I worked that it was a non event. Then when Molly had one, it totally broke all the rules. I felt so helpless. I just wanted it to stop and my logical brain went completely out the window for at least a few VERY long seconds until I got a grip and then thought what needed to happen. Namely keep her where she was ( she was in her car seat), get John and then head to the ed to see why this was happening.

So when the temps kept on coming the other night, I freaked out. John is a legend and keeps his cool under the most amazing pressure (although there are some times where is blood pressure tells another story). I was flapping round around where John just thought she should go to sleep and we will reassess in the morning. Which is what we did and it will all cool.

I think that one of the hardest parts of PTSD is that you immediately go for the worst possible scenario.  Molly is going to get sick. The next baby is going to get sick and it is trying to find the way to keep the emotions out of what is going on. I think that when things really happen there is such a huge amount of adrenaline pumping that it find of makes your feet stay on the ground. No adrenaline, no grounding. I am not sure if that is right and there are so many other things that effect the way that I deal with stuff.... fatigue namely and we are all pretty tired at the moment. 

It reminds me of the bigger picture with this pregnancy. Here I am at times flapping around wondering what is going to happen ( and I am sure that this is partly personality as I am not that patient at the best of times) and getting anxious just like I was with Molly and her temperatures. When all I need to do is take a step back and think that it is not about what happens in the future, at the moment all is well. Molly was sick and she had a high temp and she did not have a seizure despite all the worry that I did. And I felt a bit silly worrying about it afterwards. It totally could be the same with this pregnancy. I could flap and worry and get anxious and make my family life pretty hard and it might turn out ok. 

Head spaces. Man they are tough work. And changing long term entrenched thinking. Some times it is so easy to just go with what you know. It really does take such a lot of effort to change.

So better go and get the girl who is hanging with her mate.

Thoughts heading out to all the neonatal parents and their babies.

Caved

HAHA
Was reading the preeclampsia foundation website and had a wee freak out so rang to see where my midwife was. And she is still on holiday.

 I found the website really confronting as here were women that had got hellp at 19-24 weeks. As I said in the last post there are some pretty good signs that things are ok.... I do have to watch my denial levels. Plus hellp is something that happens pretty quickly. Jan my midwife in nz said that if it was to happen again typically it happens earlier and is more severe....
So I am sure that I will hear from my midwife next week. Back on for fortnightly bp's and peeing in cups. YAY.

Cruising

So we are cruising.

It really feels like a bit of an anticlimax with this pregnancy.... I think that I said this in the last post but then I freak out thinking what if it is not.... what if it happens again and we are just on the cusp of craziness....

BUT there are some pretty good signs that it might not happen again or that we might get further along in the game. I can wear my engagement and wedding rings. I find it hard to remember what happened at what week with Molly but I am pretty sure that the rings were getting pretty tight by 20 weeks.  I am certainly feeling not as tired as I was with Molly.  So maybe things are ok. By this time with Molly we had moved countries and I was looking for work and organizing a wedding. At the moment I am organizing the washing and looking for the keys most days, so the stress levels are WAY different.

I think that the maternity unit has forgotten about me. My midwife was going on holiday and she was supposed to get hold of me when she got back. She has not gotten hold of me. I am pretty sure that she was back this week... but I will give it another week. The thing is I am not going to run to chase it up. I feel that this is the only part of my pregnancy that I will be able to feel like I am going through a normal pregnancy ( despite the aspirin daily). I feel ok, I am not having any bleeding and I have energy. I can feel the baby move and this is the one thing that makes me feel pregnant. That and my clothes are not fitting so well. From here on in it is going to go up a notch.... so I want to have a bit of time just to myself and with the baby. In 8 weeks the treatment plan was for me to go up every week and till that point I was supposed to go fortnightly. I think that this is a pretty tall ask due to feeling very stressed every time that I go up there and worse when I have to see someone that I have not met before and recount everything that happened AGAIN.

I think that one thing that hellp gave me is the trust in my body and my instincts to identify when something is wrong. I am the eternal denier and I am aware that this may happen again but when I had hellp with Molly I could not deny it any longer. So if there is an issue I will certainly seek out help but until that point I am just going to cruise.

That is unless my fear gets in the way. I look at some of the hellp websites and then have a wee panic. Should I be getting checked for this or for that?? I had hellp with Molly and I had very little input and Molly turned out fine. The stats are pretty good that it will not happen again.... although as much as I like quoting a good figure, it is all obsolete really. If I get it again then the risk is 100% and if I don't then the risk is 0%. All the 5-20% out the window.

So I feel like I swing from wanting to be wrapped in cotton wool to make sure that all is done as it should to wanting to be left alone until either I go into labour or the worse case scenario happens. I think that this may be different if I had faith in the health service here but I have none. And if anything happens then I will be on a plane to Adelaide and I know how jumpy they will be so less is more at this point.

Anyway it is bed time now. Still cannot last that long in the evening. That was the same before kids.

So my thoughts going out to parents hanging with the babies in neonatal units.

xxx

Planning

It has been 2 weeks since I have been on this and it has gone pretty fast.  Molly has not been sleeping well which makes for tired and grumpy parents. I hope that it is the last of her teeth coming through. She always has a tough time when she is teething, which means that we do as well and it also goes on for AGES.

Am getting on in weeks now. Up to 18 which still seems like not  a lot but getting there. Almost half way if we go term and over half way if we do not. Mum has come back from overseas so there have been some lengthly discussions about when she will come over to help which she has kindly offered to do. The issue is that my sister in NZ is pregnant as well and her due date is about 2 weeks before mine. Mum wants to help everyone but cannot be in two places at once. She had thoughts that she would go home for Louise's birth and then come back for ours. My sister had said to mum that she was worried about her fatigue levels when she gets to the end of her pregnancy.

And that brings up a huge amount of stuff for me. It always really amazes me how one statement can trigger so much.  It makes me sad that  I cannot just think about fatigue levels at the end of the pregnancy as the major thing to think about. We might have had the baby well before Louise gets to the end of her pregnancy. I get sad that I cannot feel the excitement of just thinking what is going to happen, that there is some fear and anxiety in there as there is no guarantee either way of how this pregnancy will end.

I know that there is positive thinking but there has to be some reality in there. Maybe we won't go to term and I have to not make myself to blame if that does not happen. It is like comments to the cancer patient that if they have a positive attitude then it will be ok. It might not be ok and it is not their fault if it is not. Not that I am a cancer patient and I certainly do not want to minimize what they go through. But all the positive thinking in the world would not have changed the outcome that happened with Molly.

But there is hope. Hope that it will be ok. And a lot of fingers crossed!!!!!!

It is not just Louise that is making me think about what is going to happen at the end. There seems to be a lot of pregnant women around at the moment. I feel that time is ticking so slow at time... although it is hard to believe that it is May already. I want to be at the end to see what happens. The suspense it killing me. I hear of other women that have had a preterm first child and have gone on to have a term second child and I want to be part of that club but I am not sure that I am going to get there.  Patience is something that I have never been that good at and I think that life is really hitting me home with a lot of lessons about how to get some... or at least survive until I get to the end.

Anyway it will come to the end at some stage. It is all about survival until then. I was pretty proud of myself because we were supposed to see the obgyn on Wednesday and we cancelled. I was starting to get worried and stressed about it as I am sure that they would have gone over the past again as it would have been a new one. All for nothing as I am feeling well. So I thought what is the point and cancelled. I feel that I am getting stronger in saying what I want and doing things to make sure that I am ok.

Anyway we are off to the fair. HORAY. Not really. I am sure that it will be lame but something different to do.

Thoughts to neonatal parents.

Trauma

So I had my last counseling session the other day and it has been fine. There was a part of me that thought this is cool. It kind of puts the past in its place and I can move on from there. Although at the time I was pretty keen not to let it go, now I am kind of pleased. I am sure that there will be times that are tough but that is just life really. Some times are crap and some times are good. It was funny that at the end of the session I kind of thought that there might be good will hunting moments in that we hug and stay in touch. But that did not happen and that is cool.

But I did get to thinking about the trauma of having a preterm. We were totally traumatized by what happened. Emotionally and physically we felt like we had been through the wringer and it has only really been in the last couple of months that we have felt that we have come up for air.... probably only to go under again when the next child is born. But at least we now know what to  expect the second time around.

But I wondered why is it that people who have preterm children are usually initially traumatized by this? There were some women that were having their 3rd baby in the unit when we were there and all of them had been preterm.  I am sure that they, as will we if this baby comes early, were not traumatized as much by the second child as you know what to expect and I wonder if this is where the answer lies. If you expect it then it probably cushions the blow somewhat. I have a friend that had twins at 32 weeks and she does not seem overly traumatized by the event. But then if you are having twins there maybe there is an expectation that this can occur.

And that leads to expectations which I think can get everyone into trouble. I expected that I was going to have a lovely home water birth which was going to be a defining moment of my life. Instead I got my life defining moment but it was so far from what I expected that I did not know where I was.

I have been trying to contain my expectations for this baby. I have 3 possible outcomes in my head that may happen.
1- being that we get hellp again and the baby comes early.
2- we go term and have a natural birth
3 -we go term and have a csection.
The third one is the one that I really don't want to happen as I want to have a natural birth which I fear is quite hard in a very interventionist maternity service where there are no independent midwives or doulas to protect the rights of the women in the area that we live. But that is another very long story which I am not going to go into in this blog ( I am sure that it will come in as/ if we get closer to term)

Anyway coming back to trauma. The unit  where Molly was was great for physical care. They looked after Molly and followed the guidelines that were in place in the unit but they forgot one big important part. Molly was more than just a baby in an incubator and I was more that just a first time mother. We needed to bond and we needed time to hang out and that both John and I were so important to Molly that it was equal with the medicine that they gave. But they did not address that. I am not sure whether other units are different. But this one did not nurture the family as a unit at all. And this is something that we will definitely do differently next time. Whether invited to by the unit or not.

If I had one piece of advice for parents who had just had a neonate baby I would say: This is your baby. You need to bond and you need to connect. Hold your baby and make the hospital staff aware that you know that you are as important to the baby as the interventions that they are giving. For you it does not stop when you get out of hospital. It goes on and what happens in the unit does matter.

Fingers crossed that we do not have to go through it again. But I think that it is best to be prepared. To cushion the blow if it comes.

Having written this, it is hard to think about the trauma that we went through when for so long it was so real that we tasted it with every meal. It was like a cloud that would not go away. Now it seems like  space that I cannot even out myself in to reflect. Man that is cool. A lot of hard work but totally cool. I suppose that is the thing about trauma. It is totally horrific when you are going through it but when you get out the other side, it is pretty cool looking back at what you survived. I have changed so much from what happened and I would not go back to who I was and it took a bloody big event for me to do that.

I kind of see it as becoming Sarah Davies. When we got married it felt very weird calling myself that. If my last name had been anything decent then I would not have changed it but after 2 years I finally feel ok about calling myself Sarah Davies. Maybe this is an indicator of the changes that I have gone though.

Anyway Molly is waking.

Thoughts to all the neonatal parents.

Saying goodbye to my counsellor

As the title says I am about to say goodbye to my counsellor and I am a bit worried about it.

I have been seeing her for about 9 months now and she has been a lifeline. She is about to have a baby ( I think that she is about 36 weeks now so how on earth she is still at work is beyond me) and she thinks that I will be ok to fly solo and has not referred me to see anyone else- she has given me names just incase but thinks that I will be ok.

I am not so sure.

We have done quite a lot of work about trusting that things will be ok.... and I get that it will be but it is the lead up that I am worried about. When you are in the midst of crisis then you cannot think sideways as you just have to be there at that time. You have no choice. It is anticipating the crisis and the aftermath that can be the bit that does your head in. Well that was how it is for me.

I know that if we had another preterm baby that we would just get on and do it. My mother is going to come over and if the baby is early enough then there may need to be a relocation to Adelaide as it is the nearest hospital with a good neonatal unit. I think that I am worried about how I will go after things settle down or when we get home.

Molly was such a full on baby. Not that I think that they are ever easy but she screamed for 2 weeks as she had hernias, then would not sleep longer than 20 minutes during the day and 2 hours at night and then feed ALL the time. This is the bit that I worry about as with Molly this is the bit where I felt that I really fell apart. I know that every baby is different and that we might get a sleeper ( ALL fingers crossed) but I feel that we have to prepare that we may not....hold onto your horses and see what we get. It is always going to be different as we have Molly. It is hard imagining what it is going to be like when all I have as a term of reference is chaos and nightmares.

Anyway back to my counsellor. She is going and I am really sad about this. She was a really strong person in my life that helped me sort out stuff and I know that it is normal to be a bit nervous about this. I suppose that I was thinking before we got pregnant that I would use her as a major support and damn her she ruined my plans and went and got on with her life ( as she should). Whilst there will be a bit of adjustment I suppose that I have to trust that it will be ok. Bloody scary thing the old trust. Tis like leaping off a building!!!!

I was reading some preterm mothers blogs a while back when I was looking for research on aspirin and I thought that I was slightly more relaxed than some women were. I think that a lot of them were American based and so were used to seeing the dr and got slightly upset about not seeing the dr all the time. But I cannot blame them. It is the system that they know and I understand about the heightened anxiety that is around with a second pregnancy after a preterm. As a friend said, try not letting it consume you... and this is what I try and do every day.

Thoughts going out to all parents on the preterm road.

Support

We went down to stay with my sister over the easter weekend and man it was good. It was amazing to be with people that are familiar and who you can just be yourself.... not that you cannot with new friend but it is different.

Molly had a cold so that meant less sleep and more stress. Always fun when you are sleeping on the floor in the lounge but that is ok. It was totally worth it.

It made me think of support. We live in a small town where there we have a few mates that we hang out with, and most of them are in the same situation that we are in... namely a long way from home. I see my one mate that lives here that has her family and not that parenting is easier but that there is that "you can drop the kid round at a moments notice if you are going round the twist" or at least have a cup of tea with people that you feel totally at ease with which is something that I really miss and tried to soak up over the weekend.

Thinking back to when Molly was born we were at home and it seemed so much more logical to come to this environment that it was to stay in the one that we were in. John's job turned out to be a complete fizzer and the support that we thought that we were going to get did not end up coming. Maybe that was because we started in a town that was not close to my family. I think that my family are so used to crises that they just get down to business and do what needed to be done. For us at the time it was food, cleaning and walking the dog. John's family have not been through any major crises. They have had people die which is always sad but they have been at the end of their lives. I am not that sure that they knew what to do how to help and we did not know how to ask, so it turned into a situation that we felt supported from afar but not from close.

It is funny how family dynamics are different. In my family we just let rip with what we think needs to be said and I love this about my family. You know where you stand. In John's family they don't really talk about lots at all. Feelings don't come up that much and I think that people in John's family kind of don't really want to look at what we really went through.... not sure why but they seem not that keen to talk about it when it was probably the biggest event that has happened to both of us. For me I cannot imagine not supporting a family member that was going through such hardship. I think that John was pretty heart broken to not get that support from his family.

But that is in the past and we are here now. John and I are stronger for it and that is great. We have learnt that we can deal with so much and that when we can contain the anxiety leading up to the event then we will totally have it sorted. At the moment we are slightly worried about what may happen but today is all good... if that makes sense.

Went and saw my midwife today and it was totally ok. She is great and totally gets it. I am going to see her again in 2 weeks. She did not remember that the dr had ordered to see me the dr every month and I did not remind her, as the next appt should be with them. It is just nice to see someone familiar. We got back our results for downs and genetic disabilities and they are all low. Was not going to do anything about them even if it came back high.

So better head on. My family got me addicted to bejeweled blitz when away which I am going to try and have a few games whilst Molly is asleep.

Thoughts to neonate parents.

Good health professionals

So with people having a read of my blog I have been getting some wicked feedback. Thanks guys!!!!

One of the feedback was that there are good health professionals out there. This seems like an obvious statement but for me it was really hard to see until a friend pointed it out to me.

When we were going through all the stuff with Molly it was really hard to see the good. I looked to the bad and to the bad comments, like "change of plans, you have to have your baby now" "it is very dangerous to co sleep" " are you sure you are winding her properly?" and I think that it allowed me to validate how I felt about the situation. I have always thought of the good people that were in our corner but they have always been second to the comments to perpetuated how I felt about the whole situation.

But when my friend said that there are good people out there it made me think I have been seeing my experiences through the bad, not the good. Having Molly early was bad. It is not what I ever wanted and it had been so hard, but there is SO much good. Molly for a start it amazing. How she has handled all this is with strength and courage. John is amazing. The fact that we found the best midwife in town. That all the players played their parts when they needed to. I remember one of the nurses in the neonate unit who was so amazing. Nothing was a problem, and every was gorgeous.

I think about how I am getting myself geared to heading into this new adventure and think of how I am tightening my stomach as I head to the maternity unit thinking of deflecting the blows that are about to come my way. When in fact I am bracing myself to listen for the statements that validate how I feel about the situation... which is traumatized and scared.

Last week was pretty hard. I had to get it sorted and decide about the aspirin and be ok with that. Now that I am taking the aspirin I do not even really think about it. I can see the edge of falling back into chaos again. I suppose it will always be there whilst I am pregnant and I am sure that there will be times that I will fall back. I suppose this is why I am so lucky that life have given me people in my life that can help get me back.

So chur bro to all the good health professionals. You know who you are. And I will make a big effort to look for the good and not just dodge the blows.

Thinking of all the parents with neonate babies.

The word is out and aspirin is in.

John put the link to here on facebook last night and so there are a few more people who are aware of this now.... it can no longer be my dear diary on the public space that anyone can read..... might have to tone down the future blogs about the parents in law... just kidding.

Things were getting a bit out of control in my head over the last couple of weeks. It is amazing how you can think that you have it sorted until someone actually says " no you don't have it sorted, in fact you are quite screwed up" -in the nicest possible way.

Which is what my friends did today. And I needed it. I was getting myself so worked up about whether to take aspirin or not that I did not recognize that my emotions had totally got on top of me. I was going on about 17 %'s (potential benefit of taking aspirin when have history of hellp) and inter-cranial bleeding to anyone that would listen. I even said to John this morning that my thinking is circling and I cannot get off the merry go round. But instead of thinking " what does this mean" I kept on, till my mates said " sort it out lady" and thank goodness that they did.

I think that I came to terms with the fact that I will never have what I consider a perfect pregnancy... in fact I am sure that there is no such thing but that this myth is a societal myth circulated to keep women getting back in the ring. There will always be a medical component to my pregnancy and I have to let that happen, as if I had not done that last time then Molly and I would be dead. Simple.

This pregnancy cannot right what was so traumatic about Molly's birth and this is something that I really have to come to terms with.

Anyway I will leave it at that.

Thoughts are going out to parents in the neonate units.

Getting Excited

So it is has been a bit since I have been on. I think that I say that every time that I get on this thing, but life happens and before you know it 2 weeks has passed.

Things are starting to settle down in our world. I had a scan to see whether I should go on the aspirin as I had some bleeding and the obgyn thought that it might be a good idea to look and make sure that it was all good. The thing was that the sonographer totally threw me out. She said that there was nothing wrong but that it was not all together normal.... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I did what seemed right which was to get out of the scan and burst into tears!!! I went to the maternity unit and the dr went down to see what it was about, only to say that it was all ok.

It is amazing when you have had a traumatic event how quickly it can all hit you. You can try and tell yourself that it is in the past but at the same time it is hard not to get the emotions going when they say "it is not that normal". I feel like I am going into battle again and I feel kind of sad about this.. Most people get to enjoy and get excited about their pregnancies. To think of what the wee person is going to be like, are they going to be a boy or a girl, what will they look like. My worry is what the hell is going to happen? Will we make it to 40 weeks and not have a further batch of scars to show for it. I cannot imagine not getting some scars.

The hospital system and some of the people in there seem pretty happy at knocking you down. The gentle tell offs, the " this is the way that we do it" even the underlying you might not even be able to do it. I went and met with a midwife the other day and I said that I am going to have a vbac if we make it to full term. It was amazing that she said that I could talk to the dr IF I make it to 36 weeks. Not a drop of hope in there. She did not say "sure that is good to have a plan and idea of how you want to birth", instead it was just "if you make it". It is one thing for me to think it but it is another to have it reflected. She would not have even thought twice about this statement and yet I am left thinking man I don't even have the people that are supposed to be in my corner thinking that I can do it.

We got this consistently when Molly was born. Comments that the clinician did not even think twice about but as a consumer it can really cut to the core. This is one of the major reasons why I do not want to go back to nursing. I would hate to do this to anyone. You are in such a vulnerable situation when you are in the hospitals and this is especially so when you have had a past trauma. I think of all the people that I worked with on the wards in mental health and how we restrained them and shoved them fill of medicine. How much trauma was there??? And all in the aid of saying that it was for their safety. I saw so many nurses that were just itching to get a restraint on ( mainly in the last place that I worked in). So much for the safety of ongoing PTSD!! But that is another story.

But I am starting to get a bit excited. I have felt the baby move and that is really cool. It seems a bit more real when you feel the wee flutters. I just have to hold onto one day at a time and try and not project to far into the future. After all I have NO control over that how this will end.

Going to see the dr tomorrow and probably start on the aspirin. I am still not that keen but maybe it is the lesser of two evils. Still a bit grumpy that other people do not even have to consider making this decision. SO NOT FAIR. I can stop my feet for a bit. It makes me feel better for it. But then get on with it. Life is too short to stand in the corner stomping my feet.

Thoughts to all the parents out there with prems.

xx

Aspirin and Pregnancy

I have not been on here for a bit as John went away.... Man it was tough being a solo parent for a week. It was not so hard looking after Molly but doing the other bits; the tiding, the dishes oh how they were so tiring.

We went to see the obstetrician yesterday and he was nice. I was very much surprised as I had thought that he would be terrible. Since we live in a small rural town there is not a lot of options and so we just get what we are given... or we travel a long way to get to a metro town. Which is fine if you have family but not so good if you do not have family in the metro town which we do not.

Anyway back to the dr. He suggested that I go on aspirin. This is not something that is new as the dr who got Molly out thought that I should go on it too when we get pregnant again. From what I can gather it has something to do with the placenta and the aspirin somehow makes it better when you are predisposed or at high risk of getting pre-eclampsia or in my case HELLP. I am not really that keen to take as I really don't want to take a drug during my pregnancy even if it is at a low dose.

But then I wonder how will I feel if I do not take it and something happens?? Would I beat myself up? I am sure that there would be that going on as lets face it, I had that going on when Molly was born; the constant wonderings if I could have done something different would the outcome have been different. There is no guarantee about what is going to happen either way. I might or might not have another prem child regardless of what I do. I have no control over that. But for my sanity maybe I need to take this to give myself the peace that I have done everything that I could to make sure that the baby went term.

Basically it boils down to that I am a hippy that does not like taking medicine. I pop a few panadol every now and again but that is about as hard as it gets. If I can take a natural approach then I do.

So there is my dilemma; if I take the medicine then I am not really following the natural path. I like to be able to use the best of both worlds, natural and medical, and be sceptical about all (well manly more about the medical model).

At the moment that I have either sides in my shoulders (just like a conscience) and it seems that my friends and family are mirroring this. Some are really for the medical model and are saying that I should definitely take and should be having weekly scans whilst others are saying that I should not take and should look into natural options. I am sure that I am going to annoy one side of my conscience as I am going to have to make a decision either way about this. I am just going to have to make up my mind and how other people react to that decision is their choice. I think that I will probably end up taking it.

Oh the joys of having a high risk pregnancy. It is not easy at all!!!!!!

So hats off to solo parents and parents in the neonate unit. Hang in there.

Choices of thought

So things are going on long ok.

I have managed to take a BIG chill pill and I feel a whole lot better. It is amazing how emotions can get the better of you and how you need to reign them in. I find that when you had had such a huge traumatic event it is hard not to let things get the better of you.

When I had Molly there was NO way that I was even thinking that I would have a preterm baby. I set myself up amazingly, through no fault of my own. I thought that I would have the perfect birth and it would all be amazing. I had seen my sisters with their kids and it did not look that hard. And the thing that they did that I did not think was right, easily fixed... I would just not do it. My life would go on as normal and the baby would just fit around the edges. O how wrong could I have been. We could have had life as normal if that included a screaming baby going along with us!!

I find it hard at times to assimilate the thoughts that I have about this pregnancy. I have learnt to try and not hold onto the emotions from the past. The memories at there but hopefully some of the emotions have gone. But with this pregnancy it is hard not to have a few residual emotions kicking off... what if it happens again? I hardly coped last time, how will I cope if it happens again? what if it does not happen... am I going to spend 8 months worrying about what may not happen?

These thoughts were so prominent last week and I think that this is why my BP was up. So I made the choice that this was not going to be the way that I went on and with the help of my husband, my counsellor, my sister and my mate I made the choice not to go down that route of constant worry. Easy said that done but I had to make that choice.

Anyway better get to breakfast before it is lunch time.

As always I end thinking of the parents who are in the neonate units. Hang in there.

Surviving the bumps

This is a photo near where my sister and mother live in NZ. Man I miss the green.

Do my Bp is up..... which is really scary and it has put me in a bit of a spin. One of the symptoms of HELLP was that your BP goes up as well as a lot of other stuff. With Molly it stayed pretty steady until 28 weeks and then it went haywire. So it going up so early on in the piece I was getting pretty worried.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the last year and I think that it is the best thing that I have done. To sort through all the crap that was involved in Molly's birth and all the stuff that life had given me before Molly's birth that I had not sorted out. So I saw her yesterday and I was quite freaked out by the way that I can spiral into negativity so quickly. It is hard when you have had such a traumatic event to go back in and to feel positive about it. I suppose this is the nature of PTSD which I think a lot of mothers of neonates face. It is hard not to worry if this is going to happen again but I also don't want to spend the next 8 months worrying about something that may not happen.

The biggest lesson that I think that I have to grab onto is that it happened once, it may happen again and if it does I WILL SURVIVE. No matter what happens. I have survived once, even if I feel a bit jaded around the edges.

A woman that I know from the mothers group had a baby at 29 weeks and has just had her second who was born an 35 weeks. Man I was so excited for her. It is kind of like I think that if she can do it then I can. 35 weeks. That is so close to full term it is not funny.

So my homework from my counsellor is to beat the negativity and look at the positives in my life to which there are so many. It is amazing how your perception on life can have such a dramatic effect. I know that sounds obvious but yesterday I thought there was nothing good in my life and by identifying my thought processes I can see so much beauty. And I am making myself seeing it. Like really looking at my daughter when she is dancing and thinking this is what is so cool about life. These small moments that if you don't look for them they pass you by.

So I send my thoughts out to all the parents that are looking after their babies in the neonates.

The Ongoing Worry

hey there

It has been a few days since I have been on and they have been HOT. Man I cannot wait until this weather calms down and we are in winter again. I don't know how I would live without air con which sounds really bad.... bad for my footprint but a girl has got to sleep.

We went away for a night which was really nice. Good to get away and recharge the batteries!!!

The bleeding is still continuing. God knows why. I have been bleeding on an off since week 5. They did a scan in week 6 and the fetus is growing great guns. I have heard of some women that have bled for all of their pregnancy which must be a bit scary. I am hoping that I am not one of them.

When you have had a preterm I have found that there is no such thing as normal.

It was interesting when I got pregnant as I really thought that I had Molly's birth sorted out. Well as much as you can. At least let it sink into the back ground somewhat and I am totally surprised about the level of emotions that are coming up now that I am pregnant again. I know that this is totally normal and I have never been one of those people that can just sweep emotions under the carpet but some of the worry is pretty full on. I still get the "man that is not fair" when I meet women that are past 32 weeks. I really hope that we go full term but I really am not sure. It is such a long way away. I am trying to take each day as it comes but it is hard not to look into the future and wonder at times. And I feel that for us we have to plan so much more than others. What happens if we have a prem??? What happens to our family when we are in the hospital? How do we survive? When it was just me and John it was not so bad. Now we would have to consider the care of a toddler as well.

Anyway I am really getting ahead of myself. But it is not just like others where they can be pretty sure that when they get to 12 weeks that is the most stressful bit over.

I started counseling about a year ago and that is so good... but my counsellor is about to go on maternity leave in a month. I am not sure what to do. I thought that I would be ok as I am not really wanting to start again with another counsellor but then some times I do find it hard to cope. I suppose this will be another thing that will sort itself out.

So I leave this post and all posts from now on thinking of the parents that are looking after their babies in neonates. It is a bloody hard place to be.

Bleeding

So I woke up this morning and I have got some bleeding. I have been having this on and off for a couple of weeks so I am trying to just not worry about it. But it does seem that full term is a LONG way off!!!!!

The decision to have another child was kind of a big one.... it has taken since Molly's birth in preparation and planning, which has been 21 months. We live in a rural town so there were discussions about whether we should go closer to family, closer to a bigger hospital as we would have to transfer if the baby is early anyway. Do we wait longer or do we do this at all.

I have 2 sisters and a brother and John has a sister and a brother and the thought of not at least trying to give Molly that was something that we could not do. In saying that now that I am pregnant there were times when I thought is this really worth it??? I know it sounds really bad when you have a growing baby in your belly to have those thoughts but I wonder am I really one of those women that have huge troubles having children?? My sisters and mother had no dramas so I just thought that I would be the same. But so far the evidence is mounting that I am not a person that is destined to have easy pregnancies. This will be the last FOR SURE.

When Molly was born I had all the guilt that I was not a good woman as I could not hold onto my baby; that I had somehow failed. It was though some good old counseling that became settled with the idea that I am ok. It was not me that was at fault. Now that I am having some more bleeding I am not that sure!!!

Anyway we will see what happens. One day at a time ah and at the moment it is one moment at a time!!!!

The first blog. WOW

So this is my first blog on my own page. WOW. This is pretty cool.

As you can see my name is Sarah Davies and I am 7 weeks pregnant. For most people this would be a really exciting time but for me it is filled with terror and anxiety as well as excitement.

In my last pregnancy I got HELLP which is a form of toxemia that is not that nice, and means that if something is not done fast then it can be fatal. So my baby was born at 32 weeks. What followed was 29 grueling days in a neonatal unit, 2 weeks of screaming from a child that was in pain that was not helped until we figured out that she had inguinal hernias and had surgery, followed by months of hourly feeds, endless crying (from parents and child) an international move, endless sleepless nights and a baby that would not move from being on us.

And all this happened 3 days after we got married!!!

Luckily this is all that happened. I know that a lot of people get a lot worse.

So come with me as I experience a new pregnancy... one that will hopefully go full term.