Choices of thought

So things are going on long ok.

I have managed to take a BIG chill pill and I feel a whole lot better. It is amazing how emotions can get the better of you and how you need to reign them in. I find that when you had had such a huge traumatic event it is hard not to let things get the better of you.

When I had Molly there was NO way that I was even thinking that I would have a preterm baby. I set myself up amazingly, through no fault of my own. I thought that I would have the perfect birth and it would all be amazing. I had seen my sisters with their kids and it did not look that hard. And the thing that they did that I did not think was right, easily fixed... I would just not do it. My life would go on as normal and the baby would just fit around the edges. O how wrong could I have been. We could have had life as normal if that included a screaming baby going along with us!!

I find it hard at times to assimilate the thoughts that I have about this pregnancy. I have learnt to try and not hold onto the emotions from the past. The memories at there but hopefully some of the emotions have gone. But with this pregnancy it is hard not to have a few residual emotions kicking off... what if it happens again? I hardly coped last time, how will I cope if it happens again? what if it does not happen... am I going to spend 8 months worrying about what may not happen?

These thoughts were so prominent last week and I think that this is why my BP was up. So I made the choice that this was not going to be the way that I went on and with the help of my husband, my counsellor, my sister and my mate I made the choice not to go down that route of constant worry. Easy said that done but I had to make that choice.

Anyway better get to breakfast before it is lunch time.

As always I end thinking of the parents who are in the neonate units. Hang in there.

Surviving the bumps

This is a photo near where my sister and mother live in NZ. Man I miss the green.

Do my Bp is up..... which is really scary and it has put me in a bit of a spin. One of the symptoms of HELLP was that your BP goes up as well as a lot of other stuff. With Molly it stayed pretty steady until 28 weeks and then it went haywire. So it going up so early on in the piece I was getting pretty worried.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the last year and I think that it is the best thing that I have done. To sort through all the crap that was involved in Molly's birth and all the stuff that life had given me before Molly's birth that I had not sorted out. So I saw her yesterday and I was quite freaked out by the way that I can spiral into negativity so quickly. It is hard when you have had such a traumatic event to go back in and to feel positive about it. I suppose this is the nature of PTSD which I think a lot of mothers of neonates face. It is hard not to worry if this is going to happen again but I also don't want to spend the next 8 months worrying about something that may not happen.

The biggest lesson that I think that I have to grab onto is that it happened once, it may happen again and if it does I WILL SURVIVE. No matter what happens. I have survived once, even if I feel a bit jaded around the edges.

A woman that I know from the mothers group had a baby at 29 weeks and has just had her second who was born an 35 weeks. Man I was so excited for her. It is kind of like I think that if she can do it then I can. 35 weeks. That is so close to full term it is not funny.

So my homework from my counsellor is to beat the negativity and look at the positives in my life to which there are so many. It is amazing how your perception on life can have such a dramatic effect. I know that sounds obvious but yesterday I thought there was nothing good in my life and by identifying my thought processes I can see so much beauty. And I am making myself seeing it. Like really looking at my daughter when she is dancing and thinking this is what is so cool about life. These small moments that if you don't look for them they pass you by.

So I send my thoughts out to all the parents that are looking after their babies in the neonates.

The Ongoing Worry

hey there

It has been a few days since I have been on and they have been HOT. Man I cannot wait until this weather calms down and we are in winter again. I don't know how I would live without air con which sounds really bad.... bad for my footprint but a girl has got to sleep.

We went away for a night which was really nice. Good to get away and recharge the batteries!!!

The bleeding is still continuing. God knows why. I have been bleeding on an off since week 5. They did a scan in week 6 and the fetus is growing great guns. I have heard of some women that have bled for all of their pregnancy which must be a bit scary. I am hoping that I am not one of them.

When you have had a preterm I have found that there is no such thing as normal.

It was interesting when I got pregnant as I really thought that I had Molly's birth sorted out. Well as much as you can. At least let it sink into the back ground somewhat and I am totally surprised about the level of emotions that are coming up now that I am pregnant again. I know that this is totally normal and I have never been one of those people that can just sweep emotions under the carpet but some of the worry is pretty full on. I still get the "man that is not fair" when I meet women that are past 32 weeks. I really hope that we go full term but I really am not sure. It is such a long way away. I am trying to take each day as it comes but it is hard not to look into the future and wonder at times. And I feel that for us we have to plan so much more than others. What happens if we have a prem??? What happens to our family when we are in the hospital? How do we survive? When it was just me and John it was not so bad. Now we would have to consider the care of a toddler as well.

Anyway I am really getting ahead of myself. But it is not just like others where they can be pretty sure that when they get to 12 weeks that is the most stressful bit over.

I started counseling about a year ago and that is so good... but my counsellor is about to go on maternity leave in a month. I am not sure what to do. I thought that I would be ok as I am not really wanting to start again with another counsellor but then some times I do find it hard to cope. I suppose this will be another thing that will sort itself out.

So I leave this post and all posts from now on thinking of the parents that are looking after their babies in neonates. It is a bloody hard place to be.

Bleeding

So I woke up this morning and I have got some bleeding. I have been having this on and off for a couple of weeks so I am trying to just not worry about it. But it does seem that full term is a LONG way off!!!!!

The decision to have another child was kind of a big one.... it has taken since Molly's birth in preparation and planning, which has been 21 months. We live in a rural town so there were discussions about whether we should go closer to family, closer to a bigger hospital as we would have to transfer if the baby is early anyway. Do we wait longer or do we do this at all.

I have 2 sisters and a brother and John has a sister and a brother and the thought of not at least trying to give Molly that was something that we could not do. In saying that now that I am pregnant there were times when I thought is this really worth it??? I know it sounds really bad when you have a growing baby in your belly to have those thoughts but I wonder am I really one of those women that have huge troubles having children?? My sisters and mother had no dramas so I just thought that I would be the same. But so far the evidence is mounting that I am not a person that is destined to have easy pregnancies. This will be the last FOR SURE.

When Molly was born I had all the guilt that I was not a good woman as I could not hold onto my baby; that I had somehow failed. It was though some good old counseling that became settled with the idea that I am ok. It was not me that was at fault. Now that I am having some more bleeding I am not that sure!!!

Anyway we will see what happens. One day at a time ah and at the moment it is one moment at a time!!!!

The first blog. WOW

So this is my first blog on my own page. WOW. This is pretty cool.

As you can see my name is Sarah Davies and I am 7 weeks pregnant. For most people this would be a really exciting time but for me it is filled with terror and anxiety as well as excitement.

In my last pregnancy I got HELLP which is a form of toxemia that is not that nice, and means that if something is not done fast then it can be fatal. So my baby was born at 32 weeks. What followed was 29 grueling days in a neonatal unit, 2 weeks of screaming from a child that was in pain that was not helped until we figured out that she had inguinal hernias and had surgery, followed by months of hourly feeds, endless crying (from parents and child) an international move, endless sleepless nights and a baby that would not move from being on us.

And all this happened 3 days after we got married!!!

Luckily this is all that happened. I know that a lot of people get a lot worse.

So come with me as I experience a new pregnancy... one that will hopefully go full term.