Family

WOW 38.2 weeks. I am not sure how we managed to get here. A lot of stress and anxiety it seems but we are hear and I have to say....

I AM OVER IT.

I NEVER thought that I would ever say that I am sick of being pregnant as I wanted to be pregnant again SO much after Molly was born. I told myself off for not being thankful for every day that I was pregnant with her. With this pregnancy I have tried to be in to it but it has been really hard. Not to worry at the slightest thing that I might be feeling. Not to get worried every time that I went for a check up. Not looking at every pregnant woman that was not high risk and wishing that was me. Not looking at women that got to term and wondering if that would be me.... and look I have made it.
And now I want it to be over. I am sick of the worry about what may happen next and I want to meet them.... pink or blue. John reckons pink, I reckon blue.

But then it is not up to me. They will come when they come and when they are here I will be wishing for the calm before the storm again. I imagine that it is going to be quite an adjustment with 2 kids. Man I can hardly manage with 1!!

But as it gets closer to having the baby I suppose I have been thinking about our family and the changes that are about to be made. Even though Molly is 2.5 I wonder what kind of parent do I want to be and how is this going to change as she gets older.

I have been thinking a lot about my family. What they mean to me and how I sit in the family dynamic.  I love my family but forever I think that I have always seen them through the "youngest of the family" eyes.  They could do no wrong which is not fair to them or to me. I am not sure that this makes sense. I have ALWAYS looked up to my siblings and I suppose now I am just getting it that we are just equal. That they have their opinions just as I have mine and that does not make either right or wrong. Older siblings are pretty good at giving advice (even when it is not needed or warranted) and I suppose I have always wanted to get that from them.  I suppose that parenthood really makes you realize that you can step away from this and that as a consequence this changes family relationships. I totally love my family, I suppose there is some adjustment going on in my head as I prepare to firmly establish my new family.

I am not sure what kind of parent I will be to Molly and the new one. Only time will tell. I hope that I will show them enough love and support that they feel that the world is a safe place. And I hope that I grow with them as a parent as there is nothing worse than a parent that is trying to parent an adult that does not need to be parented in that way. Helicopter parents as my friend would say. I am trying to let Molly discover the world for herself in a safe way at the moment.

Anyway I hope that next time I get on this thing there is a baby in my arms but I am not sure. Maybe it is a girl as they are making me wait.... I am so not good at patience!!!!
Went and saw Lauren this morning. BP a bit high but ok. Pee fine and baby's head engaged. YIPEE.
Thoughts of Cate and high risk women.

Gastro

So for the last 48 hours I have been pretty under the weather with gastro. God I hate gastro. I think that I would rather have teeth pulled without anesthetic than get gastro. There were times that I was wishing for death!!!
Molly had it on Saturday which was great as John was away. I think that John would have made a better nurse than I as he is very patient when it comes to vomit. I just want to vomit when I am around people that are vomiting. God knows how I made it through 3 years of nurse training!!!
Anyway Molly's was pretty mild, just a night of vomiting and then she picked up after a couple of days. Mum and I thought that it we were going to get it then it would not be that bad.... oh how wrong we were... I felt fine and then wamo hit with the gastro stick. Mum got it but not as bad as me. After 12 hours of not keeping anything down I went to the ed and got a couple of bags of fluids which I think was a really good idea. Then I went and saw Lauren and I think she was pretty sure that I was at the very beginnings of labour. She put me on the monitor which I was happy to do as I wanted to make sure that the baby was ok and she said that there was contractions in my uterus that were VERY similar to birthing contractions. I said that I had some back ache which made her hurried as she said that labour can some times start in the back!!!
LUCKILY it stopped. I could not imagine having gastro and having a baby but it can happen. I think the body gets the baby out if it thinks that the body is more hostile. The receptionist at the maternity unit had a baby at 28 weeks as she had gastro. Scary. At least we are at 37 weeks. So good to go.
Lauren did a ve to see what my cervix was doing and it seems that it is dilated 1cm and softening which I am taking to mean that it is good and at the time not in labour. She was pretty happy with that. The baby's head is not fully engaged so in all I am not sure what this means. Hopefully that we do not have to wait that much longer to meet the wee blighter!!!
Anyway mum spent all day in bed yesterday and I have spent most of the day resting today. Have been trying to push the fluids which is hard when I am also trying to sleep as much as can. Feel a bit wired as want to go and do things but cannot!!!! Oh well the washing and the cleaning will just have to wait.
My bp was a bit over the show yesterday at the hospital. Diastolic was as low as 60 and as high as 93. My urinalyses was all over the shop as well with a stack of ketones and protein at +1, but I am not placing much weight on them as I was crook.
So here is hoping for a non dramatic birth. It really would be nice after Molly. If I could put in my wish list it would be fast, but not too fast, natural with no complications and with no gastro. Not too much to ask for I think.
Looks like we will be moving soon. Not sure when and it seems it will be longer than what we had originally thought but we will be out of the hill soon. YAY. Well done John.
Anyway thinking of you Cate and high risk women.
xx

TIme is ticking on.

I have been a bit slack and have not been on here for a bit. I am quite good and not looking at things when I am a bit overwhelmed.
The good news is that we are 37 weeks on Monday. WOWOWOWOWOW. I really never thought that we would get to this stage and it seems to have been a cruise.
There were people that have said that " I am sure that this one will go fine" "it will be different this time" and unfortunately for me, this is the worst thing that people can say to a woman having a high risk pregnancy. I understand that people want to comfort and are not sure what to say and feel that they have to say something but I don't know and neither do they that it will be different. What if it isn't. There is so much rumination and anxiety with high risk pregnancies that you do not dream even for a second that it could be ok as what if it is not. Protective measures really.
My Cate said to be once that this is not a high risk pregnancy as if you look at my symptoms they are all pointing to everything going well. At the time I did not believe her but I do now. My high risk pregnancy was Molly.
Now I just have the normal worries like what is the baby going to be like (please sleep more than Molly) and what is the birth going to be like. I really want to have a natural birth but I have to be careful not to set myself up for disappointment like with Molly. I have to have some level of control what ever happens which is the main thing that I felt I had none of when Molly was born.
My thinking has been pretty bad this week.  I am wanting to get things sorted and it is hard when there are things that cannot be put in little boxes.... namely why is it that Cate died. Her twins were 1 on Thursday so that was a hard day. It is all so senseless.
Plus we are a little unsettled as John is looking for new jobs. He is away this weekend at an interview. Fingers crossed as it seems like a pretty good area. Trust us to do things pretty full on. The baby will be born and we will be moving if he gets it. AAAAHHH. Oh well. I think that there is a part of me that likes the chaos.
Anyway was feeling pretty crappy at the beginning of the week so went and saw Lauren. The stats were AMAZING. Bp 90/50. At first I though that she said 190/150 until it sunk in. It is flipping around as the previous week it was 138/90. Oh well.
This time next week we may have a baby. Yikes that is scary. Better get a car seat and get the clothes out. To this point I have been too scared to.
Thinking of you Cate. xx