So we had a scan to see what the placenta was doing and we got to see the baby- hard not to. Amazing to see their wee face. They had the hands all clenched ready for the hitting of my kidneys which is what they are doing every night!!!! Fun. But it is great that they are doing such a lot. I think that is their hands at the front of the photo but I am not really sure. They were a bit squished to see whether they are a boy or a girl but I have a feeling that it is a boy. Mothers intuition and all. I am sitting on 100% as I was sure that Molly was a girl!!!
My counsellor has returned to work. I am not sure how she is managing as her baby is only 3 months old, but it is good news for me. This week has been pretty hard. I am 31 weeks so it was hard not to relive what happened at this point with Molly. Got married this day, had a bbq this day and tomorrow she would have been born. I think that it is timely that my counsellor returned as my head was/is really in a pretty bad spot. I had not seen her for just over 3 months and it is amazing how quickly I had reverted back to negative and really highly strung thinking. 35 years of conditioning is pretty hard to break it would seem. The scary thing was that I did not even notice.
She said that I have a choice to stay with my thinking really elevated or to try and bring it down. SO much easier said than done. So I am going to take the hard road and try and get it sorted. The main reason I want to do this as I really don't want Molly to learn my bad habits. I would hate for her conditioning to be that there is nothing to trust in the world and that you are really just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I remember being really worried about passing on anxiety when I was pregnant. Molly has a pretty big genetic loading for anxiety from both sides of her family and I really wanted to make sure that her nurture compensated for that. I also really did not want to put my shit on her. But slowly it is creeping in. This is just life and I have to give myself a break that I am not a failure as a mother but I do need to step it up when it comes to seeing what effect my dealing or not dealing with stuff has on her. And how she effects me, as I really do not what to be the person that I was before she was born.... Highly strung going round in circles.
I am on weekly monitoring for bp and pee now which is good. The baby will be fine now that we have reached 32 weeks. Every day is a bonus and it will be weird to be in new territory. I am thinking that there was a lot of this pregnancy that I have looked back and thought what happened with Molly. As of Tuesday I will not be able to do.... Exciting.
Anyway John and I are off for coffee. Making the most of Grandma whilst she is here as it looks like she will be off in about 3 weeks. Yikes.
Thinking of all the high risk pregnant woman and the neonatal people!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment