Things are starting to settle down in our world. I had a scan to see whether I should go on the aspirin as I had some bleeding and the obgyn thought that it might be a good idea to look and make sure that it was all good. The thing was that the sonographer totally threw me out. She said that there was nothing wrong but that it was not all together normal.... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I did what seemed right which was to get out of the scan and burst into tears!!! I went to the maternity unit and the dr went down to see what it was about, only to say that it was all ok.
It is amazing when you have had a traumatic event how quickly it can all hit you. You can try and tell yourself that it is in the past but at the same time it is hard not to get the emotions going when they say "it is not that normal". I feel like I am going into battle again and I feel kind of sad about this.. Most people get to enjoy and get excited about their pregnancies. To think of what the wee person is going to be like, are they going to be a boy or a girl, what will they look like. My worry is what the hell is going to happen? Will we make it to 40 weeks and not have a further batch of scars to show for it. I cannot imagine not getting some scars.
The hospital system and some of the people in there seem pretty happy at knocking you down. The gentle tell offs, the " this is the way that we do it" even the underlying you might not even be able to do it. I went and met with a midwife the other day and I said that I am going to have a vbac if we make it to full term. It was amazing that she said that I could talk to the dr IF I make it to 36 weeks. Not a drop of hope in there. She did not say "sure that is good to have a plan and idea of how you want to birth", instead it was just "if you make it". It is one thing for me to think it but it is another to have it reflected. She would not have even thought twice about this statement and yet I am left thinking man I don't even have the people that are supposed to be in my corner thinking that I can do it.
We got this consistently when Molly was born. Comments that the clinician did not even think twice about but as a consumer it can really cut to the core. This is one of the major reasons why I do not want to go back to nursing. I would hate to do this to anyone. You are in such a vulnerable situation when you are in the hospitals and this is especially so when you have had a past trauma. I think of all the people that I worked with on the wards in mental health and how we restrained them and shoved them fill of medicine. How much trauma was there??? And all in the aid of saying that it was for their safety. I saw so many nurses that were just itching to get a restraint on ( mainly in the last place that I worked in). So much for the safety of ongoing PTSD!! But that is another story.
But I am starting to get a bit excited. I have felt the baby move and that is really cool. It seems a bit more real when you feel the wee flutters. I just have to hold onto one day at a time and try and not project to far into the future. After all I have NO control over that how this will end.
Going to see the dr tomorrow and probably start on the aspirin. I am still not that keen but maybe it is the lesser of two evils. Still a bit grumpy that other people do not even have to consider making this decision. SO NOT FAIR. I can stop my feet for a bit. It makes me feel better for it. But then get on with it. Life is too short to stand in the corner stomping my feet.
Thoughts to all the parents out there with prems.
xx
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