This is a photo near where my sister and mother live in NZ. Man I miss the green.
Do my Bp is up..... which is really scary and it has put me in a bit of a spin. One of the symptoms of HELLP was that your BP goes up as well as a lot of other stuff. With Molly it stayed pretty steady until 28 weeks and then it went haywire. So it going up so early on in the piece I was getting pretty worried.
I have been seeing a counsellor for the last year and I think that it is the best thing that I have done. To sort through all the crap that was involved in Molly's birth and all the stuff that life had given me before Molly's birth that I had not sorted out. So I saw her yesterday and I was quite freaked out by the way that I can spiral into negativity so quickly. It is hard when you have had such a traumatic event to go back in and to feel positive about it. I suppose this is the nature of PTSD which I think a lot of mothers of neonates face. It is hard not to worry if this is going to happen again but I also don't want to spend the next 8 months worrying about something that may not happen.
The biggest lesson that I think that I have to grab onto is that it happened once, it may happen again and if it does I WILL SURVIVE. No matter what happens. I have survived once, even if I feel a bit jaded around the edges.
A woman that I know from the mothers group had a baby at 29 weeks and has just had her second who was born an 35 weeks. Man I was so excited for her. It is kind of like I think that if she can do it then I can. 35 weeks. That is so close to full term it is not funny.
So my homework from my counsellor is to beat the negativity and look at the positives in my life to which there are so many. It is amazing how your perception on life can have such a dramatic effect. I know that sounds obvious but yesterday I thought there was nothing good in my life and by identifying my thought processes I can see so much beauty. And I am making myself seeing it. Like really looking at my daughter when she is dancing and thinking this is what is so cool about life. These small moments that if you don't look for them they pass you by.
So I send my thoughts out to all the parents that are looking after their babies in the neonates.
I know what you mean, it is hard to see past all the grotty little day to day stuff and annoyances. Then you want to savour all the good things, but you're so busy/tired/baby brained (I heard recently there is no such thing. is too. so there. I submit myself as evidence, and no, I'm not just blonde!) that you just forget them.
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