Cruising

So we are cruising.

It really feels like a bit of an anticlimax with this pregnancy.... I think that I said this in the last post but then I freak out thinking what if it is not.... what if it happens again and we are just on the cusp of craziness....

BUT there are some pretty good signs that it might not happen again or that we might get further along in the game. I can wear my engagement and wedding rings. I find it hard to remember what happened at what week with Molly but I am pretty sure that the rings were getting pretty tight by 20 weeks.  I am certainly feeling not as tired as I was with Molly.  So maybe things are ok. By this time with Molly we had moved countries and I was looking for work and organizing a wedding. At the moment I am organizing the washing and looking for the keys most days, so the stress levels are WAY different.

I think that the maternity unit has forgotten about me. My midwife was going on holiday and she was supposed to get hold of me when she got back. She has not gotten hold of me. I am pretty sure that she was back this week... but I will give it another week. The thing is I am not going to run to chase it up. I feel that this is the only part of my pregnancy that I will be able to feel like I am going through a normal pregnancy ( despite the aspirin daily). I feel ok, I am not having any bleeding and I have energy. I can feel the baby move and this is the one thing that makes me feel pregnant. That and my clothes are not fitting so well. From here on in it is going to go up a notch.... so I want to have a bit of time just to myself and with the baby. In 8 weeks the treatment plan was for me to go up every week and till that point I was supposed to go fortnightly. I think that this is a pretty tall ask due to feeling very stressed every time that I go up there and worse when I have to see someone that I have not met before and recount everything that happened AGAIN.

I think that one thing that hellp gave me is the trust in my body and my instincts to identify when something is wrong. I am the eternal denier and I am aware that this may happen again but when I had hellp with Molly I could not deny it any longer. So if there is an issue I will certainly seek out help but until that point I am just going to cruise.

That is unless my fear gets in the way. I look at some of the hellp websites and then have a wee panic. Should I be getting checked for this or for that?? I had hellp with Molly and I had very little input and Molly turned out fine. The stats are pretty good that it will not happen again.... although as much as I like quoting a good figure, it is all obsolete really. If I get it again then the risk is 100% and if I don't then the risk is 0%. All the 5-20% out the window.

So I feel like I swing from wanting to be wrapped in cotton wool to make sure that all is done as it should to wanting to be left alone until either I go into labour or the worse case scenario happens. I think that this may be different if I had faith in the health service here but I have none. And if anything happens then I will be on a plane to Adelaide and I know how jumpy they will be so less is more at this point.

Anyway it is bed time now. Still cannot last that long in the evening. That was the same before kids.

So my thoughts going out to parents hanging with the babies in neonatal units.

xxx