Planning

It has been 2 weeks since I have been on this and it has gone pretty fast.  Molly has not been sleeping well which makes for tired and grumpy parents. I hope that it is the last of her teeth coming through. She always has a tough time when she is teething, which means that we do as well and it also goes on for AGES.

Am getting on in weeks now. Up to 18 which still seems like not  a lot but getting there. Almost half way if we go term and over half way if we do not. Mum has come back from overseas so there have been some lengthly discussions about when she will come over to help which she has kindly offered to do. The issue is that my sister in NZ is pregnant as well and her due date is about 2 weeks before mine. Mum wants to help everyone but cannot be in two places at once. She had thoughts that she would go home for Louise's birth and then come back for ours. My sister had said to mum that she was worried about her fatigue levels when she gets to the end of her pregnancy.

And that brings up a huge amount of stuff for me. It always really amazes me how one statement can trigger so much.  It makes me sad that  I cannot just think about fatigue levels at the end of the pregnancy as the major thing to think about. We might have had the baby well before Louise gets to the end of her pregnancy. I get sad that I cannot feel the excitement of just thinking what is going to happen, that there is some fear and anxiety in there as there is no guarantee either way of how this pregnancy will end.

I know that there is positive thinking but there has to be some reality in there. Maybe we won't go to term and I have to not make myself to blame if that does not happen. It is like comments to the cancer patient that if they have a positive attitude then it will be ok. It might not be ok and it is not their fault if it is not. Not that I am a cancer patient and I certainly do not want to minimize what they go through. But all the positive thinking in the world would not have changed the outcome that happened with Molly.

But there is hope. Hope that it will be ok. And a lot of fingers crossed!!!!!!

It is not just Louise that is making me think about what is going to happen at the end. There seems to be a lot of pregnant women around at the moment. I feel that time is ticking so slow at time... although it is hard to believe that it is May already. I want to be at the end to see what happens. The suspense it killing me. I hear of other women that have had a preterm first child and have gone on to have a term second child and I want to be part of that club but I am not sure that I am going to get there.  Patience is something that I have never been that good at and I think that life is really hitting me home with a lot of lessons about how to get some... or at least survive until I get to the end.

Anyway it will come to the end at some stage. It is all about survival until then. I was pretty proud of myself because we were supposed to see the obgyn on Wednesday and we cancelled. I was starting to get worried and stressed about it as I am sure that they would have gone over the past again as it would have been a new one. All for nothing as I am feeling well. So I thought what is the point and cancelled. I feel that I am getting stronger in saying what I want and doing things to make sure that I am ok.

Anyway we are off to the fair. HORAY. Not really. I am sure that it will be lame but something different to do.

Thoughts to neonatal parents.