Spiriling.

This has been a  hard week. For some reason I always thought that something would happen at 23. Whether this was 23 weeks I was not sure but it has really got me on edge. It would crack me up if the baby was born on a 23 of a month!!!

I think that we are now on the home stretch and 23 weeks is the last jump before viability which makes things better and harder. Better in that we know that the baby can survive better every week if it was born now but worse in that we are now getting into the area that pre-eclampsia might rear its' head again. I think that the emotional roller coaster is about to get started again and I am going to have to knuckle down to make sure that it does not get out of control.

I knew that it was going to get tougher but it totally surprises me when thinking gets a bit out of control. John was really good this time and told me that he thought that I was spiraling which is ACE. Usually when my thoughts are a bit out of control he feels a bit nervous to say anything which is not without merit as I have been known to be a bit grumpy!!!! But he bit the bullet and here we are. Realization.

I have been looking on a few websites lately and that is a sure sign that things are not heading in the right direction for my thinking. The 2 that I have been on are the pre-eclampsia foundation website and joyous birth which is the homebirth website in Australia. They are both really really good sites but they are quite polar in their opinions. Pre-eclampsia is more American based and there are people with a more medical model of care on there. On Joyous birth they are more hippy based and have a wee ( well large) distrust of the medicalized maternity system. I think that I sit in the middle. I hate the medicalization of the maternity system and think that women's rights have been eroded to almost nothing in the system. That you have to fight for everything if you want to have a "normal/ active" birth and you have to take every piece of advice and information with a grain of salt as there is usually an agenda going on. But at the same time, when you need them they can really work for you. If it not for a clock work efficiency team, Molly and I would not be here. So looking on these websites I think that I am searching for something that will stop me from being traumatized again. It is not until I get off the sites that I find that I have to get this from me.

I think that it is not the not knowing that is killing me. I look at my mates that are in their 30 weeks of pregnancy and I think " will I get there???". For Molly I only had 9 weeks to go until she was born. Man that is nothing. We will be there in a blink of an eye!!

Back to the grind and back to hard work dealing with emotions. Man I am going to like it when every day does not feel like I have to pull my boot straps up and work hard to keep the emotions in check!!!!

Thoughts going out to neonates!!!

xx

So back to the basics and back to today. We are going to meet my midwife on Monday and I think that this will help. We are going to talk about the birth as there are things that I want to happen regardless of whether we have another prem or not and I want to discuss what happens if we go term. I will be be signing up for another csection and I will not be consent to interventions that will definitely make this outcome more likely to happen if we go term.